Sunday, September 26, 2010

Oh poo! I swear, and Im a Mom. Wanna cut my head off? I might let you.

I get so worked up. I mean really worked up. Like to the point Im cussing like a truck driver. It can get pretty ugly. And Im smarter than that. But the anger, sheesh the anger just wells up inside of me and the only words I can utter is 'Fuck, shit, damn, son of a bitch' etc. I feel awful about it. For some reason I cannot control my emotions. Why am I so friggin messed up in the head?

I dont even know what to do to try and get past this. My Husband is always talking to me about how to try and get control over my emotions. He's got a degree in Psych. And believe me the things he tells me sound fantastic and easy tricks to get the anger reeled in before it gets out of control. But when I go off, all my rational thought is gone. Its like Im an animal. I just want to rip things to shreds.

Talk therapy didnt work. Although that could be because I didnt like the Therapist. Maybe I need a woman therapist, even though I am a firm believer in the fact that if you are a woman your doctors should be men. I sure as hell aint no feminist.

I know I need a vacation. I do. I dont know how to make it happen. Ive felt hopeless for so long, that Im almost 6 feet under. I dont know why I am so miserable. I should be happy, I have a wonderful family. But I cannot see past the anger. Its all I see. Im so annoyed by everything, even my children. And Id do anything for them. But they drive me insane. Always poking me and jumping on me, and 'Mommy this and Mommy that'. My brain is on overload. I need a panic room that way when they get too much for me to handle, I just go in it and keep away from them for a bit. It has to be soundproof though, cause they will beat on the door incessantly until I come out. Argh, the insanity!

So Im going to bake some brownies, and cry. And try to get some of it out at least for tonight. Im not quite sure where I am headed. Im losing bits of my sanity each day. My body aches because of the stress. My knees and back ache everyday. I take a percocet, an ambien, and 2 prozacs to get to sleep at night. Im drugging myself. I am lost......not completely. But I am very close.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

OMG! I need a vacation......WARNING: this is a rant filled with complaining: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

So Alexandra had a HUGE friggin temper tantrum after she came out of PT today. Throwing her lollipop, slamming the floor, and screaming at the top of her lungs. I tried to calm her down, only to pick her up and then be kicked in my right side where I am having the pain left over from the gallbladder surgery. Ok so Im pretty pissed. I am sick and tired of being used and abused and giving everything Ive got only to be punched where it hurts the worst. 

I understand shes 3. I get it. Doesnt mean I cant be pissed. She yells at me constantly. She wants me to entertain her every minute of the day. And if I dont she does this whiny thing thats like hearing nails on a chalkboard. Right now, I hate being a stay at home Mom. In a few hours I may feel better, I may feel worse. It is okay for me to get this out. If I dont, I might damage property. So if you dont wanna hear a Mom complain about the fact that she hates her life.....STOP READING.

I hate everything. I hate everyone. I am filled with jealousy and envy. The two worst emotions you can possibly have. I envy the Mother who has a healthy child, I envy the Mom's who somehow like being a stay at home Mom. I hate it. Im bored, physically exhausted, and mentally drained. I am at my wits end. Now you know why I tried Abilify. But that was way too drugged up for me. Why cant they make a pill that just makes you happy and carefree? Im fucking tired.

I want a vacation. And Im fine with taking a vacation with the kids. I just dont wanna have to do all the mundane things I do everyday for them. I dont wanna cook their meals. I dont wanna clean up the HUGE effing mess they make when they eat. I dont wanna wash the dishes 3 times a day like I do. I dont want to make the beds. I want some lady who doesnt speak a lick of English scrubbing my toilets, and vacuuming my floors. I want to enjoy them. I do not enjoy my kids very much. I sit in wait for naptime or bedtime. Im just pooped out. I just feel useless. Hopeless, and lonely. Oh Fuck it all. Guess Ill just stuff the shit down farther. I swear someday soon, Im going to explode. 

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Letting it go....it may be impossible

Ive tried hard to let it go. I sometimes think its impossible. I like the hate, I like the anger. I like the darkness. I think I always have. Its so attractive. Sorrow can be very seductive. I think pain is a much deeper felt emotion than joy or happiness. Despair and Misery are a very big part of my life. They always have been. I know its hard for people to understand me. Maybe they cannot relate. People are too scared to look at the darker side of life. Perhaps they wish not to see their true selves. I dont think I can be the person who is 'oh Im so happy! everything is wonderful!'. That is not me. I always look at the darker side of things. But being this way, I am struggling with the fact I need to let go of my anger over Alexandra's condition.

Let's just be frank, I spend most of my days miserable. The kids annoy the hell out of me. They dont wanna play with their toys, they dont want to watch TV. They want Mommy to entertain them. But sometimes Momma needs a minute to collect her thoughts, or hell even make dinner.Being a stay at home Mom has been the most frustrating job I have ever had. Yeah, I know, its not a 'job' to raise your own kids, but it sure feels like one.

Then youve got all my issues over Alexandra's condition. I cant let it go. And it eats me inside. Drains the life out of me. The fear, the worry. Its all consuming. Its a battle for my soul. A battle for her soul. I refuse to let her die. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I am sorely responsible for her life. This is a huge cross to bear. I see myself getting lost in Ambien and Prozac, and Percocet. Just to get away. To stop the madness in my brain. I think Im done for tonight. I will delve deeper into the abyss tomorrow.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Guilt.....lack of comfort and the ensuing insanity......

Guilt is a powerful thing. It can ruin everything. I feel alot of guilt. Im sure Im not the first Mother who feels she has to do more for one child than the other. I sometimes feel like I have failed Aria. Like I left her to her own devices cause I was too busy trying to keep Alexandra alive. Because I felt like it was my responsibility to keep her alive. Im sure this is so stupid cause the thing that bothers me and brings about this guilt is Aria's picky eating.  I feel like because I was so busy forcing Alexandra to eat to keep her healthy I never had the opportunity to develop Aria's tastes in food. Now granted, she wouldnt let me feed her, she wanted to do it. Yeah I know, I shouldnt put the weight of the world on my shoulders. I cant help it, God made me this way. DAMN!

Life is friggin hard. Why cant there be some kind of escape? Im not talking about a permanent one, shit Id take a 15 min escape. An escape where there is no worry of Alexandra's health, no money worries. No constant pressure. I miss comfort. I feel no comfort in anything.

I dont know why I cannot find comfort. Perhaps Im looking for it in the wrong places. More than anything I want to find it in my Husbands arms. I want to be close to him like we used to be. I love him with all my heart. I know this is my problem, and Im trying to work this out. I really believe this blog is helping. Even though no one reads it. Im getting the bullshit out. Im getting all the damn emotions out that I seem to not have any control over.

I have this constant daydream where I am sitting on some beach in the Caribbean. My Husband is sitting next to me in these wonderful lounge chairs.The kids are playing in the waves and making a sand castles. And its so peaceful. There is no worry. The girls are having a marvelous time. Im having a wonderful time. My Hubby is having a wonderful time. Why cant we achieve this? It always seems we are in some constant struggle. I think I need a big time vacation. Some time to just not be in my home, and not have cleaning to do, or shit I gotta make the kids lunch. I just wanna sit and watch them play. And not feel dread the next time Ive got to clean up the mess they make when they eat.

I feel worthless and like a tired ol piece of shit car. Ive got both my doors open and hanging by a thread. Im so exhausted. I cannot see past anything. Im consumed by it all. The walls threaten to fall in on me daily. And I have changed my attitude towards life. Just trying to accept what this is and will be. BUT I WANT A FUCKING VACATION. For that to happen we will have to win the lottery. With the gallbladder removal surgery, and then me not working for 2 weeks. We are broke. So there really is no hope of a Edges Family get away anytime soon. I need to let this go. Hell, I have tried thousands of times to get over it.

FUCK! I just need to say the word. FUCK! Sometimes I dance it out. Tonight saying swear words is helping me get it out.

Desperate I will crawl, waiting for so long. No love, there is no love. Die for anyone, what have I become?

I just may be really messed up in the head. Oh fuck it, I dont care. Sometimes I think I have to be a bit insane to get through the insanity of the day.

Final Thought of the Tonights Blog:

Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
Promised I would find a little solace
And some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless

Yeah put that in your pipe and smoke it. Read my blog, itll make you feel better about yourself. HAHA

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Today was a good day, an exhausting but good day. I did my first outing of my new attitude with the girls today. We went to Kids Club at the mall, then went to see my Mom at another mall, and then went to the pediatrician. A fun filled day. Im proud of how I dealt with the kiddos. I did not get angry, I didnt get frustrated. We had a great time. Most importantly, I actually had a good time, and that doesnt happen very often.

Whats so funny, is Ill be going about my day and have this great idea for a blog, and I say to myself 'remember this and write a blog about it tonight', then I go and forget. I think I need to invest in a little writing pad, and when something hits me, I need to jot it down and think more on it at a later time.

I just took all my meds.........perc, prozac, ambien, multi vitamin, and super B complex. Im buzzing. These meds hit me fast. Now my mind id just a jumbled mess. Darn it! There was something really interesting I wanted to write about tonight. Now I feel all drunk and slow.

OK, so here is something I just realized. Dont ever think someone is your friend. Cause most of the time, they really arent your friend. They are just around when its good for them. I have friends who at one moment, are telling me this horrible thing they went through and I think wow, we are really getting to be good friends. Well then this friend falls off the face of the Earth for a week.She gets standoffish and then wont say anything. I try to say talk to me but she doesnt put the cards out on the table. I am an all in type of friend. I let you in on every little horrible or immoral thing I have ever done. I want a CLOSE friend. I thought I might have found it in this individual, but I may be wrong. I just want open honest communication. No holding back. Im not scared to reveal who I really am. Ill tell you what I am. My name is Danielle, and I like pills. I take pills. Lots of pills. Seriously, I hate all people seriously. People drive me insane. But I do want a select few with whom I can consort. I think God is real but he is ignoring us. But then I have moments when I look into my daughter's faces and I see God in them. Im a very paradoxical person. Good and Evil. God and The Devil. So come on GET TO KNOW ME, cause I want to get to know you.

I like drugs. I seriously do. I really like ambien. It knocks me out cold. I dont even like the feeling alcohol gives me anymore. When I take me my prozac and my ambien......I wake up feeling great! Why is it that the only way I can feel great is by popping some pill? I have to end this blog because I am drunk off my pills. I am becoming incoherent. That is all for now.......

.......a Terrible thought has moved into my mind, a giant rat thats nibbling on my pride, it feeds on my happiness wont pay the rent, I must take proper measures to evict it............

Friday, September 3, 2010

Life is never easy.....not in the Edges house

So, wow 2 blogs in 2 nights. Interesting. Ive got alot on my mind. Needless to say Im still in pain from the damn gallbladder surgery. And now Alexandra has got fluid in her lungs. The pediatrician prescribed an inhaled steroid to open the lungs up, but Kevin and I tried to get her to use it, all to no avail. This brings up so many issues for me.

Ive always been terrified of losing Alexandra. And I guess I should be, I have alot of reasons to. When she gets sick, I just cringe inside. Im so pissed at myself cause if it wasnt for me having this damn gallbladder surgery, she wouldnt have gotten sick. Kevin has had the cough for about 5 days now, and if I was home to take care of her, the exposure to her wouldve been less. I dont want him to feel bad cause its not his fault. I hate this crap we are going through right now.

Ive learned alot of things over the past 3 years. Ive learned alot about myself in the past 3 days. I now know I have a very high tolerance for pain. To the point its bad for me. I dont know what else to do. Am I doing it purposefully to make myself a martyr? My husband would say that is my guilty conscience talking. Do I have a self-fulfilling prophecy? I may. If I do, its sub-consciously. I believe I have alot of demons, things that need to be exorcised. My mind is a scary place, most people wont think that about me. But theres alot of horrible ideals in my head.

I am using this blog to get those things out. I feel like I need purge myself. A cleaning. I need to accept myself for what I am. I need to stop saying I cant, and just do what I want to do. I will be a writer. Im not going to accept anything less of myself. I gave up everything to raise my daughters. But I was wrong. I didnt have to. They never asked me to. All they want is my love and time. And that is what I am going to give them. I am a Mother, but I am also more. Im an individual. So, as soon as Im not in pain from this damn surgery anymore, Im getting off my ass and doing something. Im done being a self-pitying fool.

So time to clear out the fear of her loss. She will live cause she has no choice but to. I have given her my will. Life will go on......it always does.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Boohoo for me.....

So I had to have emergency gallbladder removal surgery. It was NOT fun. Im home now, but in agony. I hate being unable to fend for myself. I feel useless and bored. Really bored. I cannot believe how insanely bored I am.

So Im writing a blog. I really dont have anything to talk about. I wish I had some great words of wisdom or some profound idea to share with you. But I dont. I havent shit in 3 days, Ive got 4 wounds in my abdomen and I feel like shit. But I cant shit. Ive ate Activia, so hopefully the BM will come in the morning. I really dont care that you dont wanna hear about my poop problems. Im just writing to write.

We are broke. No money. And all this time off and nothing fun to do or money to do it with. Thank God for pain killers. And Ambien. And Prozac. And just drugs in general. Yep Im a pill popper. So is the rest of this country. Im nothing different from the masses. Just another stinking human being trying to make their mark on the world.

Im a rambler. Seriously. I talk so randomly it isnt funny. I think its fun though. This blog is becoming really stupid. Just this particular entry though. Im sure when I start feeling better again Ill have some witty comments on how people drive me crazy, and piss me off. Then I wont be bored. So much for now. Im done.