Sunday, September 12, 2010

Guilt.....lack of comfort and the ensuing insanity......

Guilt is a powerful thing. It can ruin everything. I feel alot of guilt. Im sure Im not the first Mother who feels she has to do more for one child than the other. I sometimes feel like I have failed Aria. Like I left her to her own devices cause I was too busy trying to keep Alexandra alive. Because I felt like it was my responsibility to keep her alive. Im sure this is so stupid cause the thing that bothers me and brings about this guilt is Aria's picky eating.  I feel like because I was so busy forcing Alexandra to eat to keep her healthy I never had the opportunity to develop Aria's tastes in food. Now granted, she wouldnt let me feed her, she wanted to do it. Yeah I know, I shouldnt put the weight of the world on my shoulders. I cant help it, God made me this way. DAMN!

Life is friggin hard. Why cant there be some kind of escape? Im not talking about a permanent one, shit Id take a 15 min escape. An escape where there is no worry of Alexandra's health, no money worries. No constant pressure. I miss comfort. I feel no comfort in anything.

I dont know why I cannot find comfort. Perhaps Im looking for it in the wrong places. More than anything I want to find it in my Husbands arms. I want to be close to him like we used to be. I love him with all my heart. I know this is my problem, and Im trying to work this out. I really believe this blog is helping. Even though no one reads it. Im getting the bullshit out. Im getting all the damn emotions out that I seem to not have any control over.

I have this constant daydream where I am sitting on some beach in the Caribbean. My Husband is sitting next to me in these wonderful lounge chairs.The kids are playing in the waves and making a sand castles. And its so peaceful. There is no worry. The girls are having a marvelous time. Im having a wonderful time. My Hubby is having a wonderful time. Why cant we achieve this? It always seems we are in some constant struggle. I think I need a big time vacation. Some time to just not be in my home, and not have cleaning to do, or shit I gotta make the kids lunch. I just wanna sit and watch them play. And not feel dread the next time Ive got to clean up the mess they make when they eat.

I feel worthless and like a tired ol piece of shit car. Ive got both my doors open and hanging by a thread. Im so exhausted. I cannot see past anything. Im consumed by it all. The walls threaten to fall in on me daily. And I have changed my attitude towards life. Just trying to accept what this is and will be. BUT I WANT A FUCKING VACATION. For that to happen we will have to win the lottery. With the gallbladder removal surgery, and then me not working for 2 weeks. We are broke. So there really is no hope of a Edges Family get away anytime soon. I need to let this go. Hell, I have tried thousands of times to get over it.

FUCK! I just need to say the word. FUCK! Sometimes I dance it out. Tonight saying swear words is helping me get it out.

Desperate I will crawl, waiting for so long. No love, there is no love. Die for anyone, what have I become?

I just may be really messed up in the head. Oh fuck it, I dont care. Sometimes I think I have to be a bit insane to get through the insanity of the day.

Final Thought of the Tonights Blog:

Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
Promised I would find a little solace
And some peace of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless

Yeah put that in your pipe and smoke it. Read my blog, itll make you feel better about yourself. HAHA

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