Ive tried hard to let it go. I sometimes think its impossible. I like the hate, I like the anger. I like the darkness. I think I always have. Its so attractive. Sorrow can be very seductive. I think pain is a much deeper felt emotion than joy or happiness. Despair and Misery are a very big part of my life. They always have been. I know its hard for people to understand me. Maybe they cannot relate. People are too scared to look at the darker side of life. Perhaps they wish not to see their true selves. I dont think I can be the person who is 'oh Im so happy! everything is wonderful!'. That is not me. I always look at the darker side of things. But being this way, I am struggling with the fact I need to let go of my anger over Alexandra's condition.
Let's just be frank, I spend most of my days miserable. The kids annoy the hell out of me. They dont wanna play with their toys, they dont want to watch TV. They want Mommy to entertain them. But sometimes Momma needs a minute to collect her thoughts, or hell even make dinner.Being a stay at home Mom has been the most frustrating job I have ever had. Yeah, I know, its not a 'job' to raise your own kids, but it sure feels like one.
Then youve got all my issues over Alexandra's condition. I cant let it go. And it eats me inside. Drains the life out of me. The fear, the worry. Its all consuming. Its a battle for my soul. A battle for her soul. I refuse to let her die. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I am sorely responsible for her life. This is a huge cross to bear. I see myself getting lost in Ambien and Prozac, and Percocet. Just to get away. To stop the madness in my brain. I think Im done for tonight. I will delve deeper into the abyss tomorrow.