Friday, September 3, 2010

Life is never easy.....not in the Edges house

So, wow 2 blogs in 2 nights. Interesting. Ive got alot on my mind. Needless to say Im still in pain from the damn gallbladder surgery. And now Alexandra has got fluid in her lungs. The pediatrician prescribed an inhaled steroid to open the lungs up, but Kevin and I tried to get her to use it, all to no avail. This brings up so many issues for me.

Ive always been terrified of losing Alexandra. And I guess I should be, I have alot of reasons to. When she gets sick, I just cringe inside. Im so pissed at myself cause if it wasnt for me having this damn gallbladder surgery, she wouldnt have gotten sick. Kevin has had the cough for about 5 days now, and if I was home to take care of her, the exposure to her wouldve been less. I dont want him to feel bad cause its not his fault. I hate this crap we are going through right now.

Ive learned alot of things over the past 3 years. Ive learned alot about myself in the past 3 days. I now know I have a very high tolerance for pain. To the point its bad for me. I dont know what else to do. Am I doing it purposefully to make myself a martyr? My husband would say that is my guilty conscience talking. Do I have a self-fulfilling prophecy? I may. If I do, its sub-consciously. I believe I have alot of demons, things that need to be exorcised. My mind is a scary place, most people wont think that about me. But theres alot of horrible ideals in my head.

I am using this blog to get those things out. I feel like I need purge myself. A cleaning. I need to accept myself for what I am. I need to stop saying I cant, and just do what I want to do. I will be a writer. Im not going to accept anything less of myself. I gave up everything to raise my daughters. But I was wrong. I didnt have to. They never asked me to. All they want is my love and time. And that is what I am going to give them. I am a Mother, but I am also more. Im an individual. So, as soon as Im not in pain from this damn surgery anymore, Im getting off my ass and doing something. Im done being a self-pitying fool.

So time to clear out the fear of her loss. She will live cause she has no choice but to. I have given her my will. Life will go on......it always does.

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