Sunday, September 26, 2010

Oh poo! I swear, and Im a Mom. Wanna cut my head off? I might let you.

I get so worked up. I mean really worked up. Like to the point Im cussing like a truck driver. It can get pretty ugly. And Im smarter than that. But the anger, sheesh the anger just wells up inside of me and the only words I can utter is 'Fuck, shit, damn, son of a bitch' etc. I feel awful about it. For some reason I cannot control my emotions. Why am I so friggin messed up in the head?

I dont even know what to do to try and get past this. My Husband is always talking to me about how to try and get control over my emotions. He's got a degree in Psych. And believe me the things he tells me sound fantastic and easy tricks to get the anger reeled in before it gets out of control. But when I go off, all my rational thought is gone. Its like Im an animal. I just want to rip things to shreds.

Talk therapy didnt work. Although that could be because I didnt like the Therapist. Maybe I need a woman therapist, even though I am a firm believer in the fact that if you are a woman your doctors should be men. I sure as hell aint no feminist.

I know I need a vacation. I do. I dont know how to make it happen. Ive felt hopeless for so long, that Im almost 6 feet under. I dont know why I am so miserable. I should be happy, I have a wonderful family. But I cannot see past the anger. Its all I see. Im so annoyed by everything, even my children. And Id do anything for them. But they drive me insane. Always poking me and jumping on me, and 'Mommy this and Mommy that'. My brain is on overload. I need a panic room that way when they get too much for me to handle, I just go in it and keep away from them for a bit. It has to be soundproof though, cause they will beat on the door incessantly until I come out. Argh, the insanity!

So Im going to bake some brownies, and cry. And try to get some of it out at least for tonight. Im not quite sure where I am headed. Im losing bits of my sanity each day. My body aches because of the stress. My knees and back ache everyday. I take a percocet, an ambien, and 2 prozacs to get to sleep at night. Im drugging myself. I am lost......not completely. But I am very close.

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