Sunday, October 31, 2010

Foggy Thoughts

Its been awhile since my last blog. I dont even know what to talk about. Things have been going okay....I guess. My mind is a very clouded place. Im foggy most of the time. Sometimes I think I literally have no thoughts going through my head. But then there is times when my mind has so much running through it that I think it might explode.

Ive been feeling kinda lonely lately. Im not sure why. I know its hard, raising two little girls. When the kids go to sleep, my husband and I just go or separate ways. I read, or play on the laptop, and he plays Farmville or Bejeweled Blitz. Its always so go go go when the kids are awake that when they go to bed both of us just want quiet. So we dont spend much time together anymore. We really havent in awhile. Oh well.....this is the price you pay when you have small children.

So in terms of my ever impending insanity......its getting better I think. Maybe. Im just trying not to think so much. Thats probably why I cant think of anything to write. Ok Im done with this blog for tonight.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Life is what you make it....

Yep, life is what you make it. You can either make it heaven or hell. Sometimes I choose to make it hell. I know I control this. Im just too damn tired somedays to fight the negativity. Somedays I feel good enough to make it a good day. This isnt an easy thing. When you have been living in misery for the past 3 years......its not easy to make that change. I struggle with it everyday. But Im trying. Trying to be better. Ive gotta do it not only for my kids, but for myself. Im tired of living in misery.

Now this doesnt mean that everyday will be roses. I will still have days when the kids get on my nerves so damn bad, that Ill go temporarily insane. Im not going to change the fact that being a stay at home Mom is soooo not enjoyable. But if everything is going to hell, well Im gonna do it with a smile on my face.

I have secrets. Feelings and ideas that I will only confess to a few people. Only because they are that shocking. But I have to come to terms with those secrets, if Im going to get past this. Those thoughts and feelings bring tons of guilt upon myself. If I can admit them, perhaps I can overcome them. Can I be happy? Can I stop being miserable? Only time will tell........

Monday, October 4, 2010

Miserable Me

I dont know why I am so damn miserable. Actually I have a pretty good idea as to why. Im unhappy being a stay at home Mom. I feel like it has stripped me of my self-esteem, my self-worth and my independence.

Somewhere along the lines in my life, I associated my self-worth with the ability to take care of myself. When I say 'take care of myself' I mean support myself financially. When I had Alexandra, I had to stay at home with her. I believe I did the right thing because if I hadnt stayed home with her, I dont think she wouldve lived. I had to feed her through an NG tube. I cant even go into the amount of work it was to feed her. All the doctor appointments, the endless worry. And then I go and get preggo again 3 months later. Everything happens for a reason. I love Aria. She gives me joy.

Now that I stay at home, Im not supporting myself. I couldnt live on what I make working 2 days a week. So I have to rely on my Husband. Who is doing a fantastic job. But for some reason, it still makes me feel worthless. Im bored. I feel unproductive. But yet here I am raising 2 wonderful girls. Why cant I just let it go? Why cant I be happy? I ask myself these questions all day, everyday. I wonder if I will ever get the answer.

It may not even matter if I get an answer. Somehow Ive got to get past this. I cannot keep it going like this. How can I change? How can I make myself feel more productive? Theres got to be a way.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

An old post from another blog, it didnt happen

I am not going to allow myself to go crazy……..

August 23, 2010 at 5:18 am (Uncategorized) · Edit
I went to see my shrink on Friday. I told him I was having what I like to call ‘outbursts’. Basically raging fits of anger. So he prescribes me Abilify, in addition to my Prozac. I started the Abilify on Friday night, and ever since then I have felt like Ive had a constant hangover. Needless to say, after two days, I am NOT going to take it anymore. I came to a realization today…..I cannot allow myself to go crazy.
I know Ive been through alot in the past 3 years. Alexandra’s diagnosis of CHDs and Heterotaxy Syndrome is a very bleak diagnosis. There is so little known about the long term outcome for kiddos like her. Most of them dont make it to adolescence. I have tried over and over again to come to terms with the fact that I most likely will bury my daughter. I probably never will be able to. But I dont really think that coming to terms with that is important anymore. I have to stop hating everything and everyone. I have to let go of the control.
Ive always been a control freak. And a perfectionist. Its time to learn to ‘go with the flow’. Now Im not saying that Im going to just throw caution to the wind. But this has to change. I cannot live this way anymore. I have to let go of the anger. It is killing me inside. It has to end. It is going to take time. But Im done. Im going to get it out for the final time.
God, you dropped the ball. You allowed my daughter to be born with this horrible condition. YOU LET IT HAPPEN! Why? I dont want your excuses. I dont give a flying fuck that this is the World. That this is a result of Man’s sin. I am so damn pissed at you I could spit nails. But this is the last time I will tell you Im mad at you. Cause Im letting the anger go. You may not see me in your House. But I am going to let my anger at you go. When I die, you and I are going to have a long talk. Until then……I will live in each moment with my daughter and raise her to be the woman I want her and she wants to be. I know this wont be easy.
SO yep……Im changing it. Im going to try and teach myself to live and love and not be angry anymore. Im going to do what I have to do. Play the hand I have been dealt. IM GOING TO SUCCEED. Im going to do what I want. I refuse to be in retail the rest of my life. I will be a writer and a social worker. And everyone can kiss my ass. Im going to do what I want to.
Im going to enjoy my children. Im going to enjoy my husband. Im going to remember why I married him. Im going to remember myself again. IM GOING TO ENJOY MYSELF AGAIN. Please do not think Im going to become some Godly woman. And be all ‘God is so good, Praise Jesus’. Nope that is not me. I will still feel the ‘bad feelings’. I will still ’till my own grave’ to keep me level (as Maynard said). I am not afraid of the bad stuff. Im just not going to allow myself to become crazy. Hell, maybe Ill even try to get myself off my Prozac.
I think Im done for tonight. Enough revelations. Heres to the good stuff!
‘Close my eyes just to look at you, taken by the seamless vision, I close my eyes, ignore the smoke’

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Im one hell of a great actress......Ive got everyone fooled.

Yep, Im a great actress. Ive got everyone fooled. They all think I give a damn. I dont. I hate everything. I am the most miserable I have ever been. Im a wolf in sheeps clothing. Im a friggin looney.

Ok, so seriously. Im miserable. I am exhausted and at my wits end. What the hell can I do to change this? I cant see past any of it. I already asked my Shrink to put me on a 72 hr hold. He said no cause I wasnt a danger to myself or others. Well no Im not going to try and commit suicide, and Im not going to hurt my family. BUT I NEED to be away from myself. I need to sleep for 50 hrs straight. Hop me up on some good drugs and let me get through this. I need a break. I feel like being put in the looney bin is the only way I can have some relief from the stress and anxiety. I need the release. Oh who am I kidding, I put on a good show so people dont believe me.

Its all a show. When Im at work, I dont wanna help these customers. I just want their money. So I put on my happy face and sell em stuff. But I dont care. They pay me to sell stuff so I do. I pretend to be interested in them, just to gain their trust to get their money. Im a liar. Its the cold hard truth. Oh well.

Life is hard. Life sucks. Then you die. But living life miserable is worth than death. I need a release.

A wonderful song by APC, tells the story well of how I lie........

Clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
Eye on what I'm after
I don't need another friend
Smile and drop the cliche
'til you think I'm listenin'
Take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again

Peripheral on the package
Don't care to settle in
Time to feed the monster
I don't need another friend
Comfort is a mystery
Crawling out of my own skin
Just give me what I came for
Then I'm out the door again