Monday, October 4, 2010

Miserable Me

I dont know why I am so damn miserable. Actually I have a pretty good idea as to why. Im unhappy being a stay at home Mom. I feel like it has stripped me of my self-esteem, my self-worth and my independence.

Somewhere along the lines in my life, I associated my self-worth with the ability to take care of myself. When I say 'take care of myself' I mean support myself financially. When I had Alexandra, I had to stay at home with her. I believe I did the right thing because if I hadnt stayed home with her, I dont think she wouldve lived. I had to feed her through an NG tube. I cant even go into the amount of work it was to feed her. All the doctor appointments, the endless worry. And then I go and get preggo again 3 months later. Everything happens for a reason. I love Aria. She gives me joy.

Now that I stay at home, Im not supporting myself. I couldnt live on what I make working 2 days a week. So I have to rely on my Husband. Who is doing a fantastic job. But for some reason, it still makes me feel worthless. Im bored. I feel unproductive. But yet here I am raising 2 wonderful girls. Why cant I just let it go? Why cant I be happy? I ask myself these questions all day, everyday. I wonder if I will ever get the answer.

It may not even matter if I get an answer. Somehow Ive got to get past this. I cannot keep it going like this. How can I change? How can I make myself feel more productive? Theres got to be a way.

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