I went to see my shrink on Friday. I told him I was having what I like to call ‘outbursts’. Basically raging fits of anger. So he prescribes me Abilify, in addition to my Prozac. I started the Abilify on Friday night, and ever since then I have felt like Ive had a constant hangover. Needless to say, after two days, I am NOT going to take it anymore. I came to a realization today…..I cannot allow myself to go crazy.
I know Ive been through alot in the past 3 years. Alexandra’s diagnosis of CHDs and Heterotaxy Syndrome is a very bleak diagnosis. There is so little known about the long term outcome for kiddos like her. Most of them dont make it to adolescence. I have tried over and over again to come to terms with the fact that I most likely will bury my daughter. I probably never will be able to. But I dont really think that coming to terms with that is important anymore. I have to stop hating everything and everyone. I have to let go of the control.
Ive always been a control freak. And a perfectionist. Its time to learn to ‘go with the flow’. Now Im not saying that Im going to just throw caution to the wind. But this has to change. I cannot live this way anymore. I have to let go of the anger. It is killing me inside. It has to end. It is going to take time. But Im done. Im going to get it out for the final time.
God, you dropped the ball. You allowed my daughter to be born with this horrible condition. YOU LET IT HAPPEN! Why? I dont want your excuses. I dont give a flying fuck that this is the World. That this is a result of Man’s sin. I am so damn pissed at you I could spit nails. But this is the last time I will tell you Im mad at you. Cause Im letting the anger go. You may not see me in your House. But I am going to let my anger at you go. When I die, you and I are going to have a long talk. Until then……I will live in each moment with my daughter and raise her to be the woman I want her and she wants to be. I know this wont be easy.
SO yep……Im changing it. Im going to try and teach myself to live and love and not be angry anymore. Im going to do what I have to do. Play the hand I have been dealt. IM GOING TO SUCCEED. Im going to do what I want. I refuse to be in retail the rest of my life. I will be a writer and a social worker. And everyone can kiss my ass. Im going to do what I want to.
Im going to enjoy my children. Im going to enjoy my husband. Im going to remember why I married him. Im going to remember myself again. IM GOING TO ENJOY MYSELF AGAIN. Please do not think Im going to become some Godly woman. And be all ‘God is so good, Praise Jesus’. Nope that is not me. I will still feel the ‘bad feelings’. I will still ’till my own grave’ to keep me level (as Maynard said). I am not afraid of the bad stuff. Im just not going to allow myself to become crazy. Hell, maybe Ill even try to get myself off my Prozac.
I think Im done for tonight. Enough revelations. Heres to the good stuff!
‘Close my eyes just to look at you, taken by the seamless vision, I close my eyes, ignore the smoke’