Thursday, November 11, 2010

Simulated Happiness?

So what really is happiness anyways? Is it a feeling or a state of mind? Can it be simulated? Can a pill make you happy? Can that pill give you peace of mind and comfort? If its simulated, is it not real? Even though you feel it as if it was real, is it still not real? Well today, I took a pill that made me feel happy. It made me feel peace, it made me feel like I was comforted. Like it was all going to be okay. And for a few glorious hours, all was right in the world. I was sublime, and serene. No worries. I actually enjoyed myself.

Now I am here in front of this computer and Im back in reality. I long for that feeling again. I always had it as a child. I had it up til my wonderful Alexandra was born. It isnt her fault. Its not anyones fault. But with the worry over her health, and well being, I lost my comfort. I lost my ability to believe it would all be okay. Im angry, panic stricken and exhausted. And yes these feelings are my fault. All my anger, sorrow, frustration, its all my fault. I chose to feel this way. But that doesnt mean I can just swallow it all and it will go away. Its not that easy. Nothing good is ever easy. 

I dont even know where to begin. My mind is so full of thoughts, that I cant see a clear path to anything. Im trying to change. Although at this point I think I am still so far into the depth of this, that its not even the time nor the place to try to change. So I will wait, wait until I can calm my mind. Then I will choose my path. 

Im sure youre wondering what pill it was I was only a simple 10mg percocet. Strange how much a tiny little pill can make me see the light. That is more testament to how scrambled my mind is. Oh how I long for that peace again. No, I will not become an addict. I will not substitute the real thing. 

I used to find peace in many things. In my Husbands arms. In music. Nothing has changed in either of these things. I still love my Husband as much as I did the day I married him. Actually I love him more. He is a wonderful man, and a fantastic Father. But I have lost my peace and enjoyment in everything. I have to be the one to change it. And I will, when I can calm the storm in my head. 

And Kevin, I know you will read this. Cause you really are the only one who does......I love you. You are the other half of me. I have just lost the half that was me. Im so sorry that I cannot be better for you. I am going to try. I promise. You are my love. I am yours forever. I said those words that day, and I meant them forever. Thank you for all you are to me. Thank you for being the most wonderful Daddy to our little ones. You are truly a blessing to have in my life. I can only belong to you. 

So Im done for now. Lets see what comes next.........

Friday, November 5, 2010

Resentment and Guilt

Yeah, Im a bad Mom. I know it. I did the 'right' thing and didnt go to the concert I have been dying to go to for the past month because my sister was sick, and I didnt want to expose Alexandra to the germ. It was a nasty stomach flu. But now Im resenting her. Why? Because all Ive ever done in the past 3 years is give everything up for her. Because thats what I thought I had to do. Because I wanted to be a GOOD Mom. But all Ive ended up being is a Mom who hates being a Mom. I love my children. But I hate being a stay at home Mom. The feelings and emotions that I have towards Alexandra are very complex. If I really came out and said how I feel deep down, youd probably have me committed.

My heart is broken, more deeply than I ever thought it could be. Because of her health, because of the sacrifice, we all have made. Each day my heart breaks more and more. Because I am helpless. There is nothing I can do to fix her heart. That is in Gods hands. And lets be honest, I dont trust him very much. I try to tell myself, 'oh well this is life, you wanted to have kids'. And thats true. But I hate the cage I have been put in. I cant paint my nails without having some kid coming in and ruining the moment for me. I have an endless list of complaints and worries. I try not to unload it all on people. So I stuff it down and I try to keep my mouth shut. When I do finally say something, you all tell me to 'think positively'. I have been telling myself to think positively for the past 3 fucking years. Its just not in my ability to do. I just wanna tell anyone who calls me 'Debbie Downer' or to think 'positively' to stuff it up their ass. You get to leave. You get to come and have fun with them. Its easy to think postively when all you are a part of is the fun stuff. But when youve gotta wipe asses, discipline, and sweep the kitchen floor 3 times a day from the mess they make eating, youll wanna run too. The incessant talking, whining and crying. Sometimes their voices are like nails on a chalkboard to me.

I really dont care what you think. You are not me, and I am not you. Just stop telling me to think positive. And dont be a Debbie Downer. You come deal with them for 24/7 and then tell me how you feel.

Enough said.