Friday, November 5, 2010

Resentment and Guilt

Yeah, Im a bad Mom. I know it. I did the 'right' thing and didnt go to the concert I have been dying to go to for the past month because my sister was sick, and I didnt want to expose Alexandra to the germ. It was a nasty stomach flu. But now Im resenting her. Why? Because all Ive ever done in the past 3 years is give everything up for her. Because thats what I thought I had to do. Because I wanted to be a GOOD Mom. But all Ive ended up being is a Mom who hates being a Mom. I love my children. But I hate being a stay at home Mom. The feelings and emotions that I have towards Alexandra are very complex. If I really came out and said how I feel deep down, youd probably have me committed.

My heart is broken, more deeply than I ever thought it could be. Because of her health, because of the sacrifice, we all have made. Each day my heart breaks more and more. Because I am helpless. There is nothing I can do to fix her heart. That is in Gods hands. And lets be honest, I dont trust him very much. I try to tell myself, 'oh well this is life, you wanted to have kids'. And thats true. But I hate the cage I have been put in. I cant paint my nails without having some kid coming in and ruining the moment for me. I have an endless list of complaints and worries. I try not to unload it all on people. So I stuff it down and I try to keep my mouth shut. When I do finally say something, you all tell me to 'think positively'. I have been telling myself to think positively for the past 3 fucking years. Its just not in my ability to do. I just wanna tell anyone who calls me 'Debbie Downer' or to think 'positively' to stuff it up their ass. You get to leave. You get to come and have fun with them. Its easy to think postively when all you are a part of is the fun stuff. But when youve gotta wipe asses, discipline, and sweep the kitchen floor 3 times a day from the mess they make eating, youll wanna run too. The incessant talking, whining and crying. Sometimes their voices are like nails on a chalkboard to me.

I really dont care what you think. You are not me, and I am not you. Just stop telling me to think positive. And dont be a Debbie Downer. You come deal with them for 24/7 and then tell me how you feel.

Enough said.

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