Thursday, November 11, 2010

Simulated Happiness?

So what really is happiness anyways? Is it a feeling or a state of mind? Can it be simulated? Can a pill make you happy? Can that pill give you peace of mind and comfort? If its simulated, is it not real? Even though you feel it as if it was real, is it still not real? Well today, I took a pill that made me feel happy. It made me feel peace, it made me feel like I was comforted. Like it was all going to be okay. And for a few glorious hours, all was right in the world. I was sublime, and serene. No worries. I actually enjoyed myself.

Now I am here in front of this computer and Im back in reality. I long for that feeling again. I always had it as a child. I had it up til my wonderful Alexandra was born. It isnt her fault. Its not anyones fault. But with the worry over her health, and well being, I lost my comfort. I lost my ability to believe it would all be okay. Im angry, panic stricken and exhausted. And yes these feelings are my fault. All my anger, sorrow, frustration, its all my fault. I chose to feel this way. But that doesnt mean I can just swallow it all and it will go away. Its not that easy. Nothing good is ever easy. 

I dont even know where to begin. My mind is so full of thoughts, that I cant see a clear path to anything. Im trying to change. Although at this point I think I am still so far into the depth of this, that its not even the time nor the place to try to change. So I will wait, wait until I can calm my mind. Then I will choose my path. 

Im sure youre wondering what pill it was I was only a simple 10mg percocet. Strange how much a tiny little pill can make me see the light. That is more testament to how scrambled my mind is. Oh how I long for that peace again. No, I will not become an addict. I will not substitute the real thing. 

I used to find peace in many things. In my Husbands arms. In music. Nothing has changed in either of these things. I still love my Husband as much as I did the day I married him. Actually I love him more. He is a wonderful man, and a fantastic Father. But I have lost my peace and enjoyment in everything. I have to be the one to change it. And I will, when I can calm the storm in my head. 

And Kevin, I know you will read this. Cause you really are the only one who does......I love you. You are the other half of me. I have just lost the half that was me. Im so sorry that I cannot be better for you. I am going to try. I promise. You are my love. I am yours forever. I said those words that day, and I meant them forever. Thank you for all you are to me. Thank you for being the most wonderful Daddy to our little ones. You are truly a blessing to have in my life. I can only belong to you. 

So Im done for now. Lets see what comes next.........

1 comment:

  1. Woman u r a good writer... I wish I can write too!
    Just hang in there we will get through this :)

    Oh, the last part...that was so sweet of you! God bless you and your family. Hubby must have been so proud of you * wink