Saturday, January 29, 2011

WEIRDO!!!!!!

So I may be a weirdo, but I dont care. I realized something today. When I step into a hospital I come alive. Im fascinated with all things medical. I can feel again when Im in a hospital. Isnt that just effing weird? Its like this is what I am meant to do. I am meant to help save lives. Cant save my own, but I can save others. Perhaps that is part of the reason God gave Alexandra to me. Now that kind of pisses me off in a way, that God would allow her to be born with her condition just to show me my path in life, but I can see the logic behind it. She is my inspiration. Without her I wouldnt have discovered how medical things make me feel.

Shit, I know this is stupid. But Im going to get my ass back to school to be a nurse. I have to. Its my calling. I know it is. My heart will not be whole again until I am part of saving lives. So there. I said it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

NO! Im not out of my Prozac!

Yeah, my sister asked me this evening if I was out of my Prozac. Im not. So I was having another emotional breakdown. It happens all the time. I cant even control them anymore. I wake up and I can feel them lurking. Right underneath my skin. They bubble up and try to overtake me. I used to be able to push them back, sometimes. Now I have no choice but to give in to them. The Prozac isnt working. Im not sure it ever did. Now when I cry, I wail.

We did just get some bad news about Alexandra. She had a heart cath last Friday. Unfortunately there is literally no blood going to her left lung, hence her lower oxygen levels. Bad news. So we probably have another open heart surgery on the horizon. They are stll trying to figure out what to do to help her. Scary. Now we truly have ventured into the unknown.......

So its not unreasonable to think Id be a bit off my game right now. Ive been off my game for years now. Ive been emotionally drained for the past 4 years. It will never end. I try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, it gets to much to bear. I fall on the floor and wail. I really need to get back to the shrink. Im sinking deeper. I can feel it.

Im not sure what else to write. There is so many thoughts and emotions running through me at all times that I cant pick out one clearly.

Shit. I feel selfish, So many other CHD Moms have blogs. Their blogs chronicle their CHD kiddo's journey. I dont have one for Alexandra. I have only my blog. Its all about me isnt it? Ive got a sick kid, look at me! I chose to be a Mother, I should suck it up. Perhaps her journey is my journey. My first baby. I refuse to let you go. Your story is not over. You have much left to give and much more to do. Alexandra, I wanted you more than anything. I tried for you for 2 years. Why must we endure this? Why must you have to deal with this pain? Why must I have to fear for my childs life everyday? I know nothing is promised in life.

Oh fuck, Calgon take me away! I know Im rambling. But this is me getting it out. I effing hate everything. Im miserable. Im completely and totally lost. No amount of drugs is going to get me where I need to be. I have to change it myself. I feel like I no longer have the strength to. I sometimes feel like Im going to have to have a total breakdown, hit my complete rock bottom and then Ill be able to come back. I fear of what that rock bottom is. I fear its having to live without her. I dont want to live without her.

God, dont you make me live without her. Im already pissed at you. Dont push me over that edge. I will call you out. You and I have had this talk many times. Dont crush my already fragile faith. I beg of you. As your child, I beg you not to take my flesh and blood away from me.

Oh fuck it all. Im done for tonight. Its been a long time since I last wrote a blog. Figures I would call out the Almighty. Im totally going to Hell.......hahahaha. Well if I am Im going with a smile on my face.