Thursday, February 3, 2011

Falling from Grace, Loss of Innocence

When I was pregnant with Alexandra, I believed that everything would be okay. I believed she would be born whole, and that all the doctors were saying would never come to pass. When she was born, and all that the doctors said came to be true, my heart broke. And since that say I have never recovered. My heart has been broken for the last 3.5 yrs.

My faith in God was always a strong one as a child. I always believed God would provide. I had 'blind' faith as some call it. Even as a young adult, my faith in Him still remained strong. My ideals of the world were still innocent. The day Alexandra was broken, my innocence was lost. I fell from Grace. I felt like God let me down. He didnt come through when I needed him to more than any other time before in my life. I have cannot find the way to forgive him for allowing her to be born this way.

My Mother said this is sins doing. Not my sin, not my Husbands sin, but Mankind's sin. As in 'Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge' sin. Well so maybe Im mad at Adam and Eve for messing it up for the rest of us.

So how does one go about getting their faith in God back? I have no doubt he exists. I know he does. But I feel like he doesnt care. He doesnt see the suffering. The anguish and pain. Has he not layed eyes on my daughter laying in that hospital bed with all the tubes coming out of her on life support? Is he powerless to change it? I know Im powerless to change it. How can I get my faith back?

Im trying to figure this out. But I have no clue where to begin. Perhaps Ill pray for the clue.......