Thursday, February 3, 2011

Falling from Grace, Loss of Innocence

When I was pregnant with Alexandra, I believed that everything would be okay. I believed she would be born whole, and that all the doctors were saying would never come to pass. When she was born, and all that the doctors said came to be true, my heart broke. And since that say I have never recovered. My heart has been broken for the last 3.5 yrs.

My faith in God was always a strong one as a child. I always believed God would provide. I had 'blind' faith as some call it. Even as a young adult, my faith in Him still remained strong. My ideals of the world were still innocent. The day Alexandra was broken, my innocence was lost. I fell from Grace. I felt like God let me down. He didnt come through when I needed him to more than any other time before in my life. I have cannot find the way to forgive him for allowing her to be born this way.

My Mother said this is sins doing. Not my sin, not my Husbands sin, but Mankind's sin. As in 'Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge' sin. Well so maybe Im mad at Adam and Eve for messing it up for the rest of us.

So how does one go about getting their faith in God back? I have no doubt he exists. I know he does. But I feel like he doesnt care. He doesnt see the suffering. The anguish and pain. Has he not layed eyes on my daughter laying in that hospital bed with all the tubes coming out of her on life support? Is he powerless to change it? I know Im powerless to change it. How can I get my faith back?

Im trying to figure this out. But I have no clue where to begin. Perhaps Ill pray for the clue.......

1 comment:

  1. Dear Danielle, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I also felt angry towards God at the beginning of this journey. I was ashamed to seek him in prayer because I felt so angry, yet I knew He already knew what I felt before me saying a word. Yet he patiently wanted and waited for me to pour out my heart to Him. From my study of the bible I agree with your mom that sin was brought into the world by the disobedience of Adam/Eve and Satan the Devil. Yet, the Devil would like us to beleive that God does not care and even that God is to blame. God has purposed to put an end to all the suffering of mankind very soon. He knows not only of our plights but has seen the suffering and injustice of millions of people around the world through out history. But just like we have had to reluctantly submit our children to painful but lifesaving surgeries for the long term benefit of their health, God has also had to allow the suffering of human kind {for a limited time} for the eternal benefit of human the race. Back in the Garden of Eden, Satan questioned God's authority to rule over humanity. He told Eve she was missing out on the good life 'sort of speak' because she was listening/obeying God. He also, said that we would only serve God out of personal benefit not true love for him, like he questioned with is faithful servant Job. So when Adam and Eve sinned they betrayed their loving Creator. And a doubt was planted - was Satan right? Was God really denying Adam and Eve the good life? Were they better off without God? Would people only serve God in self interest? If you recall, millions of angels were already in existence when this all occured. The only way to settle this issue was to allow time to pass and have the resutls speak for themselves. The bible say that the 'world lies in the power of the wicked one' {1 1 John 5:19} not of God. That is why this world is filled with hatred, violence and suffering. But that is not the way God wanted things. He promises in Revelation 21:4 "And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” It is obvious and painfully clear, that mankind CANNOT rule itself effectively without God. Just a look a the world headlines today gives evidence of this. I am sure you have heard of 'Our Father Prayer' - in it we pray ... 'Let your Kingdom Come and Your will be done on earth as it is heaven..." God has established a kingdom {meaning a Government} in heaven that will soon crush all the governments of the earth and will establish itself with JesusChrist as King the ruler of the world. In the war of Armagedon, Jesus will lock the devil into the abyss for a thousand years and finally the words written above in Revelation will come true. While Jesus was on earth he proved he could cure all sorts of illnesses, so as King of Gods kingdom, he will be able to heal all the sick and the dead back to life. Jehovah God and Jesus promise a world filled with love, happiness and peace on a paradise earth no more sickeness and no more death. Knowing that God truly does care and that current human suffering is temporary is what brings me comfort and hope. God has a purpose and an established timeline in which He will make his purpose for the earth come true. But just like any governemnt God has expectations of those that would like to be it's citizens. We must learn about God and Jesus and their expections of us. We must prove the devil a liar by the way we live our life, having faith in God and following his commands.