Thursday, March 10, 2011

Idle Hands are the Devils Playground

So I have these days. These days of absolute boredom. I dont know what my problem is. Today, while in the backyard watching the kids playing, I realized Im bored. And that is why I am miserable most of the time. I am simply bored. Its not that taking care of the kids is boring, well it is, but no, I mean Im constantly doing things. Cleaning, or picking up a mess, or changing a diaper, or whatever. But its boring. Its the same shit different day. Its not a wonder when I fall asleep at night that I have crazy ass dreams. My sub conscious is bored too. What can I do about this? I thought about some hobbies......but would that make me feel less bored? I used to read alot, but lately I cant seem to get into it. And alot of the times when I was an avid reader, my dreams would be even more intense as my brain had so much to play with. My mind is a deep and weird place. I try to write this blog sometimes. Maybe I should do some needlepoint or something. HAHA I am so not a crafty person. Going back to school is out of the question for at least another year. So I sit here day after day, and I mean I do stuff. I play with the kids, I feed them. I make the beds, I scrub the toilets. But there is no direction. People who think being a stay at home Mom is so nice are crazy. Im bored out of my mind. But going back to work full time isnt an option, daycare is just too darn expensive. Also at this point, after being with her Mother for her entire life so far, Im not sure Alexandra would do well in a situation like that. I worry about her overall health. Who knows? All I can say is, Ive got no effing clue. Im completely dumbfounded. Where do I go from this place? The path eludes me. Im sure I just need to be patient. And recognizing the problem is half the battle. I know what it is. Its boredom. Idle hands are the devils play ground. The line between reality and fantasy in my mind sometimes gets very blurry. I can wake up from a dream and almost feel like what is real is not, and what was in the dream was the real reality. Its all Matrixy.I think I took the wrong pill, I fell farther into the rabbit hole from sheer need of something exciting. Ive got one hell of an imagination. In my dreams Im fighting demons, and ghost hunting with the GA Crew.  I took a Soma, 2 'goof balls' (tylenol PMs), and my prozac tonight. So it should be pretty interesting once I go to bed. And I just dont care. I sleep to pass the time. Im in a stage of wait in my life. Wait for this, wait for that. Ive been waiting for a while now, and it looks like itll be a while longer. Oh well, perhaps the greatest lesson I am going to learn in this life is patience, Oh and resourcefulness. Cause I try alot of stuff to keep myself busy, some of it works, some of it doesnt. None of it will matter in the end. No biggie. At least I tried my best. I seriously am. Ive got one hell of a clean house.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

"The What Danielle Wants Coffin"

Is it right to want something for yourself after becoming a Mother? Is it ok, to want to feel fulfilled in all aspects of your life? Or am I just being selfish and not being satisfied with what I have? Its not like going back to school means I would be neglecting my children. I will take as much care of them as I do now. Is it wrong to have been inspired by my oldest daughter to become a nurse? I look at her and see how well she is doing, and I know I did that. I spent the time and energy to make her healthy. I couldve just let her not eat and then she would have a G Tube, and she would be hooked up to a feeding tube at night. 

If I do it 'your' way, the last little bit of my heart will break. Why cant I want to be something more? Why? This baffles me. Im totally speechless. I cant even think of what else to write. I have toyed with this 'letting it all go' idea for a few months now. Just allowing myself to let anything I want go. And what I want will more than likely end up in a better life for my children. I have spent the last 3.5 years not wanting anything for myself. And look at how well she is doing! Is it not ok for me now to take a step back and do something different. 

Maybe I will let it all go. You say Im different now, but just you wait til I put the final nail in the 'what Danielle wants coffin'. You think I have nothing to say now, I really wont have anything to say then. I will be a hollow fraction of the Mother I used to be. Being strong and wanting to further myself has made me be the Mother I know I am. Having something for myself is what made me sit there for hours and try to get her to eat 3 oz of formula. My determination is what that was. She is 3.5 years old and I still have to feed her! I do it because she is my child. DONT YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS! No you dont. You think you do, but you dont. You dont live my life everyday. You are here once or twice a week. That is not seeing what really goes on. I talk to you because you are my family, and I would like your love and support. But I can see that I can no longer talk to you in the manner I used to. So I will talk to you about information. But I will not talk about my feelings or emotions. I will tell you about my children but not about myself. Because as you see it, Im a Mother, and I dont matter anymore. Youre tie raid scared the shit out of my children. So much that my oldest said 'Im sorry Mommy that was horrible'. I never attack you. When you are upset that the people you work with dont like you, I always say Im sorry. I tell you that they dont know what they are talking about. I didnt not provoke this fight. YOU DID. You always do. And its true, you have no compassion. No empathy. HAHA I said I was speechless. Guess not.