Thursday, March 10, 2011
Idle Hands are the Devils Playground
So I have these days. These days of absolute boredom. I dont know what my problem is. Today, while in the backyard watching the kids playing, I realized Im bored. And that is why I am miserable most of the time. I am simply bored. Its not that taking care of the kids is boring, well it is, but no, I mean Im constantly doing things. Cleaning, or picking up a mess, or changing a diaper, or whatever. But its boring. Its the same shit different day. Its not a wonder when I fall asleep at night that I have crazy ass dreams. My sub conscious is bored too. What can I do about this? I thought about some hobbies......but would that make me feel less bored? I used to read alot, but lately I cant seem to get into it. And alot of the times when I was an avid reader, my dreams would be even more intense as my brain had so much to play with. My mind is a deep and weird place. I try to write this blog sometimes. Maybe I should do some needlepoint or something. HAHA I am so not a crafty person. Going back to school is out of the question for at least another year. So I sit here day after day, and I mean I do stuff. I play with the kids, I feed them. I make the beds, I scrub the toilets. But there is no direction. People who think being a stay at home Mom is so nice are crazy. Im bored out of my mind. But going back to work full time isnt an option, daycare is just too darn expensive. Also at this point, after being with her Mother for her entire life so far, Im not sure Alexandra would do well in a situation like that. I worry about her overall health. Who knows? All I can say is, Ive got no effing clue. Im completely dumbfounded. Where do I go from this place? The path eludes me. Im sure I just need to be patient. And recognizing the problem is half the battle. I know what it is. Its boredom. Idle hands are the devils play ground. The line between reality and fantasy in my mind sometimes gets very blurry. I can wake up from a dream and almost feel like what is real is not, and what was in the dream was the real reality. Its all Matrixy.I think I took the wrong pill, I fell farther into the rabbit hole from sheer need of something exciting. Ive got one hell of an imagination. In my dreams Im fighting demons, and ghost hunting with the GA Crew. I took a Soma, 2 'goof balls' (tylenol PMs), and my prozac tonight. So it should be pretty interesting once I go to bed. And I just dont care. I sleep to pass the time. Im in a stage of wait in my life. Wait for this, wait for that. Ive been waiting for a while now, and it looks like itll be a while longer. Oh well, perhaps the greatest lesson I am going to learn in this life is patience, Oh and resourcefulness. Cause I try alot of stuff to keep myself busy, some of it works, some of it doesnt. None of it will matter in the end. No biggie. At least I tried my best. I seriously am. Ive got one hell of a clean house.