Thursday, March 3, 2011

"The What Danielle Wants Coffin"

Is it right to want something for yourself after becoming a Mother? Is it ok, to want to feel fulfilled in all aspects of your life? Or am I just being selfish and not being satisfied with what I have? Its not like going back to school means I would be neglecting my children. I will take as much care of them as I do now. Is it wrong to have been inspired by my oldest daughter to become a nurse? I look at her and see how well she is doing, and I know I did that. I spent the time and energy to make her healthy. I couldve just let her not eat and then she would have a G Tube, and she would be hooked up to a feeding tube at night. 

If I do it 'your' way, the last little bit of my heart will break. Why cant I want to be something more? Why? This baffles me. Im totally speechless. I cant even think of what else to write. I have toyed with this 'letting it all go' idea for a few months now. Just allowing myself to let anything I want go. And what I want will more than likely end up in a better life for my children. I have spent the last 3.5 years not wanting anything for myself. And look at how well she is doing! Is it not ok for me now to take a step back and do something different. 

Maybe I will let it all go. You say Im different now, but just you wait til I put the final nail in the 'what Danielle wants coffin'. You think I have nothing to say now, I really wont have anything to say then. I will be a hollow fraction of the Mother I used to be. Being strong and wanting to further myself has made me be the Mother I know I am. Having something for myself is what made me sit there for hours and try to get her to eat 3 oz of formula. My determination is what that was. She is 3.5 years old and I still have to feed her! I do it because she is my child. DONT YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS! No you dont. You think you do, but you dont. You dont live my life everyday. You are here once or twice a week. That is not seeing what really goes on. I talk to you because you are my family, and I would like your love and support. But I can see that I can no longer talk to you in the manner I used to. So I will talk to you about information. But I will not talk about my feelings or emotions. I will tell you about my children but not about myself. Because as you see it, Im a Mother, and I dont matter anymore. Youre tie raid scared the shit out of my children. So much that my oldest said 'Im sorry Mommy that was horrible'. I never attack you. When you are upset that the people you work with dont like you, I always say Im sorry. I tell you that they dont know what they are talking about. I didnt not provoke this fight. YOU DID. You always do. And its true, you have no compassion. No empathy. HAHA I said I was speechless. Guess not. 

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