Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Some things I will never know....but I think I can live with that.

Some things I will never as in why? Or how to do quadratic equations. Or how to perform brain surgery. And I really dont care to know those things. All I know is I spend each day trying my best. I try to be the best Mom, the best Wife, the best me I can be. I am human, I make mistakes. I get angry, I get upset. Sometimes I shake my fist at the world and cry. Because life isnt fair. I never expected it to be, but that doesnt mean I cant make a little stink when it doesnt go my way. Ive learned alot in the past almost 4 yrs. So much about myself. How far my limit is for example. Which is much higher than I ever thought it could be. Ive learned how much I could love another human being. Ive felt the most dark and disturbing emotions at one moment and then at another moment to feel like I have touched God. Im living life. No Im not perfect, and I dont want to be. Im going to be a Mommy to my beautiful girls. To love and cherish each moment with them as it was my last. Ive learned that there is some childrens TV that is so annoying it makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

I wish I had some deep dark secret to disclose, like some kind of  important tidbit about how to get the most out of life. But the honest to God truth is, just live it. Dont expect it to be roses all the time. Dont expect it to be bad all the time either. Just take it as it comes.

So Im going to try and take it easy, and just live. Cause after almost losing my daughter last Wednesday, I cannot imagine not enjoying every minute with her. With my Aria and my Alexandra. The 2 halves of my heart. The culmination of everything I have wanted to be. Their Mommy.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Stay at home Moms - Recipe for Boredom

Its been almost 4 years Ive been a stay at home Mom. I work, 2 days a week. But Im bored. I know why Im miserable all the time. Boredom.I dont know how in the hell to change it. Ive tried playing with the girls more, running around in the backyard with them, all to no avail. I am just not a 'player'. I try to clean things, but theres only so much cleaning you can do that keeps your mind occupied. Ive been going in circles for the past 4 years. Nothing changes, I am not growing. I am not changing. Im just surviving. I take damn good care of my kids. They are loved and cherished. Why cant I learn to just let it all go and not think about how bored I am. Im so frustrated. Im miserable because Im bored. Fun stuff. NOT!

I dont really care what other people think. But I hate this gig. And Im stuck now. I mean everything happens for a reason but I just hate this. Oh well. Cry me a river, and Ill buy you a boat. Eff it all. Here's to another day of incessantly saying No, and wanting to bang my head against a wall.