Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What CHD has done to my Mind.....and my Marriage

So yep CHD sucks. I cannot even describe for those of who dont know what its like, what its like. It makes me speechless. I am so damn pissed. I am sick and tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting for every little bite of food that goes in her mouth. I am tired of fighting the fear she has, and all the panic and anxiety she has that has been caused by everything she has had to endure. CHD has ruined my Marriage. My Husband is too tired to kiss me let alone be intimate with me. We dont even talk to one another anymore. I cant remember the last time the man kissed me. I am fucking sick of CHD. I am so angry there is no words to describe the anger. It shakes my soul. She wont sleep at night, she screams for hours. I am suffocating under the weight of CHD. I fucking need some help, and cannot afford to get it. Im tired of being strong. Im tired of 'hanging in there'. Shit Im tired of telling my fellow Heart Moms to hang in there. I would rather tell them to scream and holler and stop stuffing it down. Im sick and tired of being sick and tired. Fuck you CHD. You nasty, murderous disease. You have ruined everything I have ever wanted for myself. Tainted everything I do. Im miserable. There I said it. I hate everything.

CHD has created a wall between my Husband and I that Im beginning to think is unbreakable. I fucking hate my life. It sucks. Its mindless, unproductive bullshit. I keep trying and keep trying. Im so damn tired. I need a drug induced coma. I have no clue what I am learning from this situation other than misery. And dont fucking tell me, well you cant control what happens to you, but you can control the way you react. Oh fuck that shit. Im pissed and Im going to say it. CHD you ruined my life. You have almost killed my daughter several times. You have caused her enormous amounts of pain and agony. I will never 'accept' you as life. This isnt living. This is misery. I havent learned anything useful, other than to be able to laugh to cover up the intense emotional pain.

So CHD sucks. And my life does too. Im tired of the endless cycle. I cannot win against CHD. Its become bigger than me. 4 years into this and I am so shattered I cant remember my own name sometimes. Im going to bed. Fuck you CHD.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Turning Misery Into Numbness

So I swear.....I'm really going to figure out how to stuff it down this time. I've been out of control for, shit, almost 4 years now. If I can figure out how to stuff it down, perhaps the last little bit of me that is miserable will just stop feeling the miserable. And then I'll just be, well Alexandra and Aria's Mommy. Which I guess in the end is fine. I did have some things I wanted to accomplish for myself. I really wanted to go back to school to become a nurse. I feel like I have a lot to offer the field of nursing. But alas, as the saying goes....Life happens while youre busy making other plans. And me being out of control is hard for my family. I guess I just couldnt ever accept Alexandra's condition. I cant just say, "oh this is life". Cause I feel like this life is an extraordinarily hard one. So perhaps the answer is not 'accepting' her condition. Its just learning to feel nothing toward it. No anger, no hurt, no nothing. Just deal with it as it comes and stop the constant worry. But I do believe I know myself pretty good, and to get myself not to worry, Im going to have to accomplish some state of numbness. Its going to change me. Sure, how could a state of numbness not change a person. So, you may find Im quieter. I wont be my normal crazy self. Ill just be hanging out. Making sure the kids dont run into traffic or burn themselves alive. Ill be busy sweeping the kitchen floor 3 times a day, and doing copious amounts of laundry. So I probably wont have any witty or funny things to say about this hell called 'Motherhood' anymore. The premise for this blog will then become mute. Cause how can life be hard, when you cant feel the things life throws at you anymore. I will feel some emotions....I will still love my children, I will still love my Husband, my family, and my friends, and all my fellow Heart Moms. I just wont be fighting it anymore. Im going to give in to the miserable, and let it make me numb. I think this is a great opportunity to teach myself how to keep my big effing mouth shut. This is going to be a fantastic journey. Im not going to be the extrovert I once was anymore. Illl be the chick in the back of the Chick Fil A with the frizzy hair, the children running around and the look on her face of "who am I and how did I get here?" Look for me Ill be hard to miss.......

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day....in the hospital....

I didnt really envision us in the hospital on Mother's Day. This being the first Mom's Day that my kiddos can really understand what the day is about. But its okay nonetheless. No gifts, but havent I already recieved my gifts? My gifts are my 2 wonderful daughters. Alexandra, my oldest baby, my complicated one. Aria, my forever baby, my lively one. What would I be without you? Not much. Yes, I was someone before I became a Mother. But now I am so much more. My children have taught me many priceless lessons. I never in my life thought I would have a child that needs constant medical attention. It just never crossed my mind, but does that ever cross anyones mind when they find out theyre pregnant? I didnt look up at God and say "HEY! Give me a kiddo with a heart defect!". Hell, I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. But obviously God saw enough in me to give me Alexandra. Then he blessed me with the delight that is my Aria. So much spunk and energy. If I could bottle her energy and sell it, Id be a millionaire. She is full of life, and love. God brought Aria to us not only for me, but for Alexandra, for her forever friend. I am so very proud of my daughters.

Now, Im not perfect, and I have days when I want to get in the car, drive away and never come back. Kids can do that to you. I wouldnt say that everything is a-okay, cause its not. But Im learning to roll with the punches. Doesnt mean Im not going to shake my fist at the world and cuss. Cause well, thats me. I swear. Doesnt mean Im going to hell.

This is my life, and other than having more money.....I wouldnt have it any other way.