Monday, May 23, 2011

Turning Misery Into Numbness

So I swear.....I'm really going to figure out how to stuff it down this time. I've been out of control for, shit, almost 4 years now. If I can figure out how to stuff it down, perhaps the last little bit of me that is miserable will just stop feeling the miserable. And then I'll just be, well Alexandra and Aria's Mommy. Which I guess in the end is fine. I did have some things I wanted to accomplish for myself. I really wanted to go back to school to become a nurse. I feel like I have a lot to offer the field of nursing. But alas, as the saying goes....Life happens while youre busy making other plans. And me being out of control is hard for my family. I guess I just couldnt ever accept Alexandra's condition. I cant just say, "oh this is life". Cause I feel like this life is an extraordinarily hard one. So perhaps the answer is not 'accepting' her condition. Its just learning to feel nothing toward it. No anger, no hurt, no nothing. Just deal with it as it comes and stop the constant worry. But I do believe I know myself pretty good, and to get myself not to worry, Im going to have to accomplish some state of numbness. Its going to change me. Sure, how could a state of numbness not change a person. So, you may find Im quieter. I wont be my normal crazy self. Ill just be hanging out. Making sure the kids dont run into traffic or burn themselves alive. Ill be busy sweeping the kitchen floor 3 times a day, and doing copious amounts of laundry. So I probably wont have any witty or funny things to say about this hell called 'Motherhood' anymore. The premise for this blog will then become mute. Cause how can life be hard, when you cant feel the things life throws at you anymore. I will feel some emotions....I will still love my children, I will still love my Husband, my family, and my friends, and all my fellow Heart Moms. I just wont be fighting it anymore. Im going to give in to the miserable, and let it make me numb. I think this is a great opportunity to teach myself how to keep my big effing mouth shut. This is going to be a fantastic journey. Im not going to be the extrovert I once was anymore. Illl be the chick in the back of the Chick Fil A with the frizzy hair, the children running around and the look on her face of "who am I and how did I get here?" Look for me Ill be hard to miss.......

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