Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What CHD has done to my Mind.....and my Marriage

So yep CHD sucks. I cannot even describe for those of who dont know what its like, what its like. It makes me speechless. I am so damn pissed. I am sick and tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting for every little bite of food that goes in her mouth. I am tired of fighting the fear she has, and all the panic and anxiety she has that has been caused by everything she has had to endure. CHD has ruined my Marriage. My Husband is too tired to kiss me let alone be intimate with me. We dont even talk to one another anymore. I cant remember the last time the man kissed me. I am fucking sick of CHD. I am so angry there is no words to describe the anger. It shakes my soul. She wont sleep at night, she screams for hours. I am suffocating under the weight of CHD. I fucking need some help, and cannot afford to get it. Im tired of being strong. Im tired of 'hanging in there'. Shit Im tired of telling my fellow Heart Moms to hang in there. I would rather tell them to scream and holler and stop stuffing it down. Im sick and tired of being sick and tired. Fuck you CHD. You nasty, murderous disease. You have ruined everything I have ever wanted for myself. Tainted everything I do. Im miserable. There I said it. I hate everything.

CHD has created a wall between my Husband and I that Im beginning to think is unbreakable. I fucking hate my life. It sucks. Its mindless, unproductive bullshit. I keep trying and keep trying. Im so damn tired. I need a drug induced coma. I have no clue what I am learning from this situation other than misery. And dont fucking tell me, well you cant control what happens to you, but you can control the way you react. Oh fuck that shit. Im pissed and Im going to say it. CHD you ruined my life. You have almost killed my daughter several times. You have caused her enormous amounts of pain and agony. I will never 'accept' you as life. This isnt living. This is misery. I havent learned anything useful, other than to be able to laugh to cover up the intense emotional pain.

So CHD sucks. And my life does too. Im tired of the endless cycle. I cannot win against CHD. Its become bigger than me. 4 years into this and I am so shattered I cant remember my own name sometimes. Im going to bed. Fuck you CHD.

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