Monday, June 20, 2011

Heart Hurts

My Heart kinda hurts this afternoon. I got great news from the docs this morning, but still my heart hurts. Spending all your days and nights in the hospital can make you very restless. I hate having to subject Alexandra to all these tests. But I have to. I have to get her to where she is relatively healthy. She wont eat, so shes getting a g tube. I miss my home. I miss my bed. I miss my Aria. I miss my Husband. I miss everything. These lonely afternoon hours spent in the hospital can be brutal. Alexandra is just miserable. Shes getting happier each day but she hates it here. Because she cant be free. So Im going to sit here while she sleeps and just hurt a little. This is so not easy. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so humbled by this world.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Its not my Fault

Ive felt powerless today. Like I have no control over anything. And I dont. I have no control over CHD. All I can do is fight, but CHD is going to do what CHD is going to do to my daughter. I have to live with that. I spent a majority of the day in a total funk, brought on by my sister who is a 23 year old lazy girl. Ive had some deep thinking sessions with myself lately. Ive been thinking alot, cause Im so tired of running. I cant run from the past anymore, I have to deal with it.

There are things that have happened in my life that have set me on this path. I cant help but think that if some people didnt act so careless and so lazy that maybe I wouldnt have had to set out on this path. But I have no control over anyone but myself.

I have been taught from a young age that it was 'my fault'. Didnt matter if it was who spilled the milk, or who wouldnt get their lazy ass out of bed to get themselves to summer school so they didnt fail a grade. It was MY FAULT. But its not. I dont fault the people who love me for this. But I needed to identify this so that I can get over this myself. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect.

Its not my fault. I was doing what I should have been doing. But I payed the price for her insolence. And it has put me in the situation I am in now. I have payed a heavy price of burden and much worry. But the reward, is so great. I have been able to become a part of a community that is near and dear to me. I have learned things that amaze me.

So I forgive. And I let it go. Its the only thing I can do.