Thursday, August 11, 2011

My Experiment

I mightve reached the bottom. I have no energy, no will to fight. Im trying to tell myself Im conducting an 'experiment'. But the fact of the matter is.....I just dont wanna fight. I dont want to put food in front of her only for her not to eat it. So Ive been waiting....waiting til she asks me for food. After her not asking for anything, by 1130, I was asking her. She kept saying No. At 2, she finally said yes, she wanted food. So I asked her what she wanted......turkey and pretzels. So I gave her a few slices of turkey lunch meat, and some pretzels. I didnt force her, I didnt even sit with her as she ate. I left it completely up to her. Wanna know what she ate? 4 bites of the turkey and about 5 pretzel sticks. The equivalent of like 60 calories. Shes drank maybe 6 ounces of fluid today.....not enough.

So after today my experiment will be finished. And I will have concrete proof that she does not ask for food. She doesnt even ask for something to drink, and its 110 degrees outside. As I have always known, if I didnt continually make her eat and drink, she wont. So, perhaps until things get situated with some feeding therapy, Ill have to continue to 'make' her eat. This sucks. Im sorry it does.

What do I do? Just continue this. Just feed her through the tube?!?!?! Im so confused and exhausted. Part of me feels like I did the wrong thing getting the g tube, but I have seen her gain more weight in the first month than she has in the past year. How do I juggle it all? God give me some guidance cause Im truly lost.

I never thought my life would end up here. And maybe in some ways, I mourn the loss of the life I used to have. The freedom and the idea of it. I had this very romantic idea of Motherhood. You know, holding your baby, and breastfeeding, and feeling that joy. Instead, I was getting up close and personal with a machine that pumped my breastmilk, and standing over a hospital bed. And  I knew before she was born, but you never really know until youre in it. Ive learned so many wonderful things, but I have witnessed misery, unstoppable misery.

I dont even recognise my marriage anymore. We are like 2 ships passing in the night. We are just passengers along for the ride. Neither one of us is the driver. Alexandra is the driver.....and shes 4. Wanna go for a ride? This isnt for the faint of heart......

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