Monday, August 22, 2011

You never know how things are behind closed doors....the fork in the road.

My marriage has quite probably hit a fork in the road.

For the last 4 years, we have let Alexandra's condition rule our lives. It was hard not to. I dont blame either one of us for letting it happen, shes our child. But in doing so, we lost ourselves, and our almost our marriage. Almost. We can save it.....if we can communicate.

I know that Im pretty emotional, even though Im pretty sure, he thinks Im emotionally unavailable to him at this point. And I am unavailable to him. I gave Alexandra my life, my will to live, because I couldnt allow her not to live, because that would surely kill me. In doing this.....I destroyed myself.

So where do we go from here? Shes starting school tomorrow. I dont even know where to begin to help our relationship. I know that there are things I need to let him know that bother me.....but I dont want to hurt his feelings.

I dont even know why Im writing this.

You never know how things are behind closed doors.

My marriage hangs upon a huge cliff. If we cant figure this out.....this marriage is doomed for death. He must listen to me, and I must listen to him, without getting defensive and justifying our actions. We have been using the circumstances as the excuse for not giving each other the time we needed. Its time to stop that.

You never know how things are behind closed doors.

I hate the life I live everyday. I didnt choose this. I was chosen for this. I feel as if I am prisoner to it. Those are my natural human emotions.....and I will not feel bad for them.

I can change this. I can change the way I react. But in this change, I must have my partner join me. If he wont, then its doomed to fail.

You never know how things are behind closed doors.

Somewhere down the road, I made a decision. A decision not to respect my Husband. And I know why....cause he wasnt a provider. He wasnt motivated to make anything more out of himself. He was holding on to anger from his childhood, and using that as his excuse. So I had to provide....even though I wanted to....I created resentment of him because he didnt want anything else for himself. And then Alexandra was born. He said things that I will never forget about when she first came home. He couldnt take care of her. He was afraid. She couldnt go to daycare, I had no family that could watch her....so I had to stop working. We had to go on food stamps, cause his job didnt pay enough. More resentment....even though neither one of us chose to have a daughter with CHD. I know I was wrong for the resentment. Im getting out now, so I can let it go. Because at this point, even though he has made leaps and bounds in providing for his family......I still hold onto those resentments, because I feel so helpless in Alexandra's condtion.

I must learn to respect him. But I need for him to understand some of the things I hope for. We must both make this change.

We stand at the fork in the road.


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