Thursday, September 8, 2011

Whats going on with me?

Im not sure whats going on with me. I am always exhausted. And I sleep plenty. I sleep like 10 hrs a night. When I can I take a nap in the afternoon. I fall asleep so well at naptime that I actually dream. I just cannot figure out what is wrong with me. And then theres the constant intestinal upset. I have painful intestinal movements everyday.....almost like unstoppable. It can happen with anything I eat. Or nothing. Ive ate nothing and it happens. The weird thing is I sweat constantly. From the minute I wake up til I go to sleep, even when I sleep. For some reason though as soon as the weather cools down....the intestinal upset stops, and the sweating isnt as profuse. Could I be allergic to the heat?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This kind of seasonal thing has been happening for the past 2 years. I thought once I had my gallbladder removed it would get better, but it didnt. This winter though, my stomach still had issues just not as frequent as during the summer. Im tired of living in fear of being out somewhere with the girls and not be able to control my bowels....cause seriously....when it happens, I cannot control them. 

Ive tried the whole mind over matter, you know just keep putting one foot in front of the other. But it doesnt stop how insanely tired I am. I get a headache that borders on migraine everyday. I seriously need to get my ass to the doctor. Heres the problem.....my husband really needs to go as well. And I feel if I go before him, he will think I dont care. I feel like I can work through these issues, but it really hinders his ability to live well. I think its the reason we arent intimate anymore. He just cant, he is in too much pain from the fibro or whatever he has, but he has never had diagnosed. Everytime we make an appt for him, something comes up and we dont have the money to pay the copay. Yeah thats just how bad it is.....no money to pay the 25 buck copay. We pay for insurance we cant even use because we cant pay the copay. Its just there in case something really bad happens. 

Ugh, Im tired of living like this. Im trying to get a hold of myself. I take it one day at a time. But I seriously need to see a doctor.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Bad Mommy.....

Wow, so I feel like a bad Mom tonight.

Heres what Ive witnessed myself thinking over the past 2 weeks since Alexandra started school.

1) Alexandra is mean.
2) I hate being around her.
3) She makes everything harder.
4) She is so hard to get along with.
5) She doesnt listen.
6) She does whatever she wants when she wants.

Yeah, go on call me an asshole. Cause I am one. But Im only human. She is so difficult it makes me want to pull my hair out. She screams and yells at me, throws things at me. I understand she has been through so much, I do. But in those moments when she is yelling or screaming.....I dont think about her condition, I think "what an ungrateful child". Lord forgive me. Seriously. Forgive me Lord.

Today while Alexandra was at school, Aria and I went to the lab to take Alexandra's stool samples in and then take a trip to Walmart. After the lab, I asked her if she would like to go to QT and get a drink, this is how she replies "oh yes Mommy that would be great, thank you". I take Aria to QT, she asks for one of the Icee drinks, so I get her one, and this is how she replies when I hand it to her "Mommy, thanks for my blue drink, its yummy". We pay, I get her back in the car, and while she climbs in, I hold her drink for her. When she gets all in and I hand her the drink back she says "thanks for holding my drink Mommy". We go to Walmart, and its a pleasure. We were looking around for some new sheets for everyone in the house, and I pull them off the shelves and she says 'Mommy thats beautiful". So pleasant. Not yelling at me saying "MOMMY I WANT TO GO TO THE TOYS". When I asked her to pick out her sheets, she picked out a simple pink circle pattern, and she says to me "oh Mommy, I love them, thank you!". So sweet.

So Im an ass. Yeah because I like spending time with Aria more than I like spending time with Alexandra. Cause its just easier. If Aria is hungry, she will say "Mommy Im hungry can we get something to eat". I wont have to feed her when I get her something to eat, she will do it herself. I dont have to sit there and constantly remind her to stay focused on eating, she eats because she knows the faster she eats, the faster she can go play. If we dont have the money to eat out Aria wont yell at me and demand I take her to Taco Bell or Chick Fil A, she will say "Mommy, can you make me pizza then at home?".

Im a total effing asshole. Cause I like Aria more than I like Alexandra. I love them both, I would die for them both. But Id rather be friends with Aria, cause shes just plain old nice.

Lord please forgive me. I know Alexandra cannot control whats happened to her. I know she is the way she is because of her condition. Because of that world of CHD she lives in. And you wanna know who Im pissed at for that, Im pissed at you God. You let it happen. You dropped the ball. How could you? How could you do this to my baby? How could you allow it? Shes innocent. She shouldve been given a clean slate with which to make her life out of. Not this crap of 5 open heart surgeries, and the g tube and everything. You allowed it.

Go on and judge me, cause I know you will.

And thats all I have to say about that.