Monday, October 3, 2011

When you stare this is how I feel....

I just need to get this out....

I feel like a failure. I am a failure at potty training. Ive tried to potty train Alexandra. But shes not very 'into' it. Alexandra has a very active mind. She doesnt stop. I have had 2 psychologists and 1 psychiatrist tell me she will most likely be given a diagnosis of ADHD.

In Baskin Robbins tonight, I had this other Mother give me the worst look Ive ever had, because Alexandra asked me to change her diaper. I feel so ashamed. Heres the issue, whenever in the past I have forced Alexandra to do something, it always ends up in her shutting down and she becomes non responsive. For instance with the eating, I kept forcing, she kept refusing. With the potty training I kept introducing it, and putting her on the potty throughout the day, but she would wait until she had a diaper back on and then do her stuff. I had a talk with her about what the feeling feels like when she needs to go, and to let me know, and I can help her get on the potty, but she can only tell me after shes gone.

So Im a failure. Because I cannot deal with 1 more damn thing that I have to do. Im done. I dont have the mental strength to play her mind games to get her to do something. I always have to trick her into it. Potty training has to be something she wants for herself. She could give a rats ass less about it. Shes just fine to poop her pants and then tell me Mommy change my diaper. Heck since the G Tube, most of the time now she doesnt even tell me she pooped and she just waits til I smell it.

Alexandra has what I like to call her 'isms'. Her quirks, idiocracies, and her all around insane nature. Shes very excitable, and well at some times it can be downright annoying. She cannot sit still. And I know youre thinking well what 4 yr old can.....no if you spend time with her, this is not normal 4 year old behavior. Its a constant dialogue of her pretending to be Mater, or Lightning McQueen, etc. Its insanity. I cant figure out when I would have the time to sit and potty train her, it takes me an hour to get her to eat. Then I have to clean up the mess she makes. If I sit her on the potty she wants to play with the toliet paper. I take the toilet paper away then she screams and hollers cause she has to have something to play with. She thinks sitting on the potty is the time to read. She wont go, she will just sit there and pretend Mater is in the room with her. She has absolutely no ability to focus.

So Im just tired. Thats why I sent her to school. Cause I cant take much more. Im exhausted. I have no clue how to potty train her. I cant even figure out how to potty train Aria cause she follows suit with her sister and then plays in the toliet water instead of doing what she needs to.

Im a total failure. I try to psyche myself up and say "Oh Im going to get up early and get myself all ready before the kids wake up and Ill just be ready to get all this shit done, and Im gonna be perfect Mom".

I am so angry. At everything. At everyone. I feel alone. What am I to do? I cant figure out anything. I spend days telling myself its all okay, just take it one step at a time. And then I go to sleep at night, have some insanely vivid dream, and wake up still hanging on to those emotions I had in the dream. I feel like Im torn between 2 worlds. I feel like Im going insane. How did this happen? How did I get here?

So yeah, my 4 yr old isnt potty trained, neither is my 3 yr old. Cause I cant figure out when I would have the time to do it. Cause Im too busy trying to keep Alexandra on task with everything else, like making sure shes drinking or eating. Oh sheesh, fuck it. Im going to go clean the bathrooms.

I hate my life. I said it. I hate it.