Thursday, December 15, 2011

Money and its trouble

So my last post was all about keeping my new found outlook on things. Well....I actually am keeping it! Right now, we are totally broke, and have no money. So this would typically be a time when I would start getting upset. But to be perfectly honest, their aint shit all I can do about this. Payday is the 23rd, we will have to wait til then. Im totally surprised that I am doing this. We will see if after a week and a half of literally spending NO money, I keep my outlook. I wont be able to take the girls out to McDonalds or anything, and Im going to have to be very creative figuring out food here in this house as the days progress. And this is all happening at Christmas time! I have no money to buy gifts for any of my family, nor anything for my Husband. We were able to get the kids their Christmas gifts, so Im very happy about that. As long as their happy Im happy.

But you know, if I allow myself to think about the whole no money starts to wear on me. Its like I build up a wall against it and as things get difficult, because I cant take the kids out anywhere, so they are stuck at home, playing inside or outside, they start to get restless. I know, kinda sounds weird, they get to go outside, why would they get crazy? Because my kids are social. They like to go to McDonalds and play in the play area. They like to go to Walmart and see all the people. In our neighborhood, there is not really any kids the girls age who play outside. So yeah, after a few days, they will start getting insane. And Ill start to feel the pressure.

I wonder if I can keep this up. I really hope I can. I will be trying very hard to. Ive got alot of cleaning planned, so thatll keep me busy. Sometimes I feel like when I try to 'occupy' myself, its like shoving the emotions down and it only makes it worse. But I dont know what else to do. Cant go get some retail therapy, that takes money. I will pray for the strength to keep myself from breaking.

Im learning that life never really goes the way you want it to. And in most of the cases, you really cant even control your life. You can control how you react to the things life throws at you though. So heres hoping I react the RIGHT way......

Monday, December 5, 2011

Heres hoping I keep this outlook.......

I havent blogged in awhile. Guess I really had nothing to say. Actually more like I chose to keep my mouth shut for awhile. And at this point, I am actually ok. Im not any more stressed than I am any other day.

Alexandra had a Heart Cath on Nov 18th, and everything looked good according to her Cardio. Great news! My sister was kind of upset, as at this point there really isnt anything they can do to make her sats better. Just time, time to see if those evil AVMs get any better. I think about the future, and what it means for her when shes 10 or 15, and how she will feel physically at sats in the low 80s to high 70s. Will she get winded walking down the hallway? Who knows.

I think over the past few months, Ive actually grown up a bit. Ok now Im hoping this isnt all a joke, because its finally cooler outside, and the heat here in Arizona just makes me miserable. Im hoping to retain my newfound outlook as the warmer months approach. Heres hoping.

Theres been alot of talk with our Heterotaxy kids/CHD kiddos about making the right decisions for them. Its forced me to rethink the decisions, the life and death decisions, Ive made for Alexandra. But you know.....I dont really think Id change anything. I think I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. And shes alive. Shes 4 and thriving! Can I really ask for more? No. Shes alive. Thats all I really wanted.

I also am learning not to be as scared. Not to be so scared to lose her. Now of course this is something I dont ever want to happen, but its okay to look at the odds and say "um yeah, so yep she may not live to be 50 or hell, not even 20". But the fact remains, she will be with me always. I know that if she happens to pass before me, she will be there waiting for me, with that toothy smile of hers. (I hope its a more grown up version of the toothy smile of Alexandra)

Ive been blessed. Twice over with my girls. I dont know what tomorrow holds. No one does. But I can trust that whatever God has planned for me it will be for the best.

At the park with the girls the other day, another Mom and I were chatting about our kids, etc, so I was telling her all about everything Alexandra has been through. She says this to me.......

"In the end, everything ends up ok. So if everythings not okay, then its not the end so keep trying."

Couldnt have said it better myself.