Monday, December 5, 2011

Heres hoping I keep this outlook.......

I havent blogged in awhile. Guess I really had nothing to say. Actually more like I chose to keep my mouth shut for awhile. And at this point, I am actually ok. Im not any more stressed than I am any other day.

Alexandra had a Heart Cath on Nov 18th, and everything looked good according to her Cardio. Great news! My sister was kind of upset, as at this point there really isnt anything they can do to make her sats better. Just time, time to see if those evil AVMs get any better. I think about the future, and what it means for her when shes 10 or 15, and how she will feel physically at sats in the low 80s to high 70s. Will she get winded walking down the hallway? Who knows.

I think over the past few months, Ive actually grown up a bit. Ok now Im hoping this isnt all a joke, because its finally cooler outside, and the heat here in Arizona just makes me miserable. Im hoping to retain my newfound outlook as the warmer months approach. Heres hoping.

Theres been alot of talk with our Heterotaxy kids/CHD kiddos about making the right decisions for them. Its forced me to rethink the decisions, the life and death decisions, Ive made for Alexandra. But you know.....I dont really think Id change anything. I think I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. And shes alive. Shes 4 and thriving! Can I really ask for more? No. Shes alive. Thats all I really wanted.

I also am learning not to be as scared. Not to be so scared to lose her. Now of course this is something I dont ever want to happen, but its okay to look at the odds and say "um yeah, so yep she may not live to be 50 or hell, not even 20". But the fact remains, she will be with me always. I know that if she happens to pass before me, she will be there waiting for me, with that toothy smile of hers. (I hope its a more grown up version of the toothy smile of Alexandra)

Ive been blessed. Twice over with my girls. I dont know what tomorrow holds. No one does. But I can trust that whatever God has planned for me it will be for the best.

At the park with the girls the other day, another Mom and I were chatting about our kids, etc, so I was telling her all about everything Alexandra has been through. She says this to me.......

"In the end, everything ends up ok. So if everythings not okay, then its not the end so keep trying."

Couldnt have said it better myself.

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