Monday, January 30, 2012

Whats my problem?

Im having a bad day. I always write when Im having a bad day. I think Ive always been more comfortable with the more melancholy emotions of life. So fitting God would choose me to be the Mother of a child with CHD.

Im having some really difficult days with Aria. Shes 2 weeks with no binkie. Shes so emotional. Took her and Alexandra to a birthday party last Saturday and Aria literally cried the entire time.

Sometimes, well most of the time I feel like a shit Mom. Neither of the girls are potty trained, and I have no clue how to do it. Alexandra just physically isnt ready, and I cant get Aria to do anything Alexandra doesnt do. How in the hell am I going to do this? Im so overwhelmed.

I basically got told my children run amuck. Do they? Really? My Mom says they dont listen to me. Id pretty much say thats true. But I have no idea how to get them to. Im currently in the process of time out and counting, which seems to be working. But I still get no respect. Honestly, I dont even know what to write my brain is in such a jumble.

Im really concerned for my parents health. Im concerned because my sister is just totally out of control and will not get help. Shes very bi polar (undiagnosed). She is in a very bad state, and she spits shit out at everyone, which makes it so stressful on my parents. I feel as though I cant talk to my parents about my troubles, because they cannot handle mine, as they have too many with my younger sister. Imagine how that feels? Im literally drowning.

What the hell am I going to do? I feel as though maybe Ive neglected Aria because Alexandra has been so much work. And now the damage is done. How can I change this? Im not a very good 'player'. I cant really play with the girls. I dont know how. So they kinda play and I either sit on the computer or Im cleaning. Like right now.

I wonder why it seems that so often I lose my chipper outlook and it all crashes in on me? At one moment I have all the answers and at the next Im clueless. Whats my problem?

Monday, January 9, 2012

Guilt and Lack of Understanding

Im pretty sure anyone who actually reads my blog knows my Mom had to have open heart surgery. She almost had a heart attack and they found 3 blockages in her arteries. Her heart wasnt getting enough blood. And now fast forward to......

Today, my Mom's check ups with her CV Surgeon and Cardiologist. Her cardio guy is REALLY to the point. So much to the point I wasnt even there when she went to the appointment, and I could feel the stabbing. This is what he told my Mom...." I see 2 kinds of patients, one kind doesnt care, and the other cares too much, cares too much for others, I know which kind of patient I have here." WOW. So hearing someone say this....and considering how much I have needed my Mom's support over the past 4 years since Alexandra was born. Oh my this made me feel soooooooooooooo GUILTY! Now, I know have a perpetual guilty conscience. But wow, I really feel like total shit. Like "well crapo, I almost killed my Mom". I know my Mom did it cause she knew I needed her, and she loves Alexandra. But all the watching Aria, and then having to go to work, while Alexandra was hospitalized, because Kevin had to go to work so we could pay for our bills, and I cant leave Alexandra alone at the hospital, cause she would freak out on me. Wow, Im just floored. I am feeling so guilty like Im the one who put Jesus on the cross. Hell, I feel like Judas himself.

This gives me new meaning for "Im going to go waterboard myself now". I honestly want to go bury myself in my bed.

Wait, no. In the actuality of this....it makes me pissed. PISSED OFF. Yeah pissed at you know who. The one whos fault it really is. The one who allows CHD to exist in this world. You know just when I think Im getting a handle on everything, it all goes to shit. Where is God in all of this? Im just clueless. I dont understand anything you do Lord. And I know you exist. Maybe Ill go to hell for this, but I need to understand your motives. I need to understand your reasoning. Why should we just sit blindly by and just keep praying and hoping youll look out for us? Yes, I see Alexandra as a miracle. I dont understand. Will you not be satisfied til we are all dead? Sometimes I wonder if youre out to get us. No its not the devil. Thats what my Mom would say.

I am only human. I make mistakes. But you gave me Alexandra. And I needed my Mother. Now this guilt. Youd think I was a Catholic.

Maybe Ill never understand. And when I finally am able to, that understanding wont matter anymore. Im asking you Lord, Im praying to you, PLEASE stop this torment. Please stop the endless barrage of horrible things that keep befalling this family. Im reaching out to you. Show me you can do what you say.