Monday, January 9, 2012

Guilt and Lack of Understanding

Im pretty sure anyone who actually reads my blog knows my Mom had to have open heart surgery. She almost had a heart attack and they found 3 blockages in her arteries. Her heart wasnt getting enough blood. And now fast forward to......

Today, my Mom's check ups with her CV Surgeon and Cardiologist. Her cardio guy is REALLY to the point. So much to the point I wasnt even there when she went to the appointment, and I could feel the stabbing. This is what he told my Mom...." I see 2 kinds of patients, one kind doesnt care, and the other cares too much, cares too much for others, I know which kind of patient I have here." WOW. So hearing someone say this....and considering how much I have needed my Mom's support over the past 4 years since Alexandra was born. Oh my this made me feel soooooooooooooo GUILTY! Now, I know have a perpetual guilty conscience. But wow, I really feel like total shit. Like "well crapo, I almost killed my Mom". I know my Mom did it cause she knew I needed her, and she loves Alexandra. But all the watching Aria, and then having to go to work, while Alexandra was hospitalized, because Kevin had to go to work so we could pay for our bills, and I cant leave Alexandra alone at the hospital, cause she would freak out on me. Wow, Im just floored. I am feeling so guilty like Im the one who put Jesus on the cross. Hell, I feel like Judas himself.

This gives me new meaning for "Im going to go waterboard myself now". I honestly want to go bury myself in my bed.

Wait, no. In the actuality of this....it makes me pissed. PISSED OFF. Yeah pissed at you know who. The one whos fault it really is. The one who allows CHD to exist in this world. You know just when I think Im getting a handle on everything, it all goes to shit. Where is God in all of this? Im just clueless. I dont understand anything you do Lord. And I know you exist. Maybe Ill go to hell for this, but I need to understand your motives. I need to understand your reasoning. Why should we just sit blindly by and just keep praying and hoping youll look out for us? Yes, I see Alexandra as a miracle. I dont understand. Will you not be satisfied til we are all dead? Sometimes I wonder if youre out to get us. No its not the devil. Thats what my Mom would say.

I am only human. I make mistakes. But you gave me Alexandra. And I needed my Mother. Now this guilt. Youd think I was a Catholic.

Maybe Ill never understand. And when I finally am able to, that understanding wont matter anymore. Im asking you Lord, Im praying to you, PLEASE stop this torment. Please stop the endless barrage of horrible things that keep befalling this family. Im reaching out to you. Show me you can do what you say.

2 comments:

  1. Danielle...you just CAN'T blame yourself for your Mom's heart surgery. Maybe you do lean on your Mom for support while you have to go through very difficult trials with Alexandra BUT I'm sure she leaned on your for support as she went through her own trial of having to have surgery. It is just the way life is. We all have trials and we all lean on each other for support. That doesn't make us bad people. God is there and if you let him he will be the one your can lean on for the strongest support.

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