Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Always at Odds

The past week has been a difficult one. Alexandra having to be hospitalized with Influenza A pneumonia, and all that the hospital means for her and for our entire family. Just overwhelming. It gave me some time to think.

Most of the time, its bad when I think. This particular time, it wasnt good either. Initially, upon finding out her virus culture came back positive for something, I wasnt too upset. Respiratory infection, duh. No biggie. But when they gave me the Influenza A diagnosis, I pretty much freaked. I thought about how I could keep her in a bubble. I thought Im never going to let her out of the house again. Now, most of her life I have been focused on her quality of life, because the quantity may not be what the usual is. This was the first time I actually thought twice about that decision. Why? Because Im afraid to lose her. I cant lose her. But I want her to live. It is seriously a difficult line to cross. I have flip flopped so many times over the past week on this. For about a day, I was never going to let her go back to school for fear of the germs. But I cant make her live this way. I have to let her live.

I know for many parents, its always difficult when we realize its time for us to let them go, to let them do their thing. Im a control freak I admit it. I want to control it all. And with her out of my sight, I cant control anything. She is at the mercy of the world. This world that can be so cold. So heartbreaking.

This all ties into my issues with my belief in God. Not that I dont believe in him, but Im not sure at times that I trust him. Im not sure I trust that what His will is, it has my will considered in it. And heck, hes God, why should He consider my will or desires. And in wanting her to be with me in this life until I go first, well shit its kinda selfish, I know. But Im her Mother, I want to see her grow and prosper, and LIVE. Im afraid that God may not want the same thing. So in turn its hard for me to put my complete trust in him. Cause well, Im only human. And if someone tells me that feeling like this is a sin, well then I guess Ive got my place in Hell, cause I cant figure out any other way to feel about this.

Ive struggled with this for really my entire life. But not as much as I have over the last 4 years. Maybe because it doesnt just affect me anymore, it affects her too. I only want her to have the opportunity that all others have. And yeah I know I know, no one in this life has guarantees, but this is a total different situation. These CHD kiddos are not the norm. Not even close. I really couldnt care less what happens to me, I just dont want her to miss out on this wonderful thing called life. I can only hope and pray that God feels the same way.

And maybe He wont. Maybe He will take her before me. And Ill be pissed off. Cause its like this, "well God I put my faith in you, and you still took her, why?". Its hard not to question. My whole life teeters on the edge of this. I cannot seem to escape this turmoil with God.

And Ive prayed. A LOT. Maybe Im just falling short somewhere. Ill probably never know where.

So I just spend each day putting one foot in front of the other, and doing what needs to be done. Being there for my children, and caring for them the best I can.

I guess Ill just LIVE. Cause its all I can really do as a human being.

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