Thursday, April 26, 2012

Somethings Gotta Give

Something just has to give. I am so tired of spending 99% of my day frustrated for one reason or another. Its either someone whining or someone not eating. Its always insanity. When the girls are together they fight, and hit one another. When they are apart, they whine constantly. Mommy is losing it!!!!

I really cant figure out how to change any of it. Im always tired. I get at least 7 hrs of sleep a night, granted its broken sleep, but its sleep. Maybe that is my issue? Broken sleep? There isnt anything I can do about that, as either child is always waking up once or twice a night. Or the feeding pump goes off. Or someone pukes. Kids.

I love my children, I do. Mommy is just really tired, and really needs some time alone. I also need some sex, but I wont be getting that anytime soon. I have been really trying to read Proverbs and Psalms, and just rely on God to fill those empty spaces, but its not totally working. I have days, like today, where Im just tired. And I cant focus, so all that good advice just goes out the window, and all I really want is a roll in the hay with my Husband, and about 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep afterwards. The more I think about this, the more it has to do with sex, and oh geez it makes me seem sooooooooooooooo horrible. Like thats all I want. I dont want it from anyone other than my Husband. But he is having some emotional issues of his own, and is kind of 'distancing' himself from that area of our relationship, and has been for the past year now. I try to just occupy myself with other tasks, cleaning, playing Mario on the Wii, or whatever other Motherly duties I must perform. But the more and more I do, the more and more I just want our old relationship back. Which I know is totally impossible. We have been through way too much for us to go back to the way it used to be. But I wouldnt mind a bit more intimacy. Ive spoken my mind many times to him about this, and he is just not going to budge on this until he is ready. I respect that. We all carry emotional scars and memories from our childhood that affect us even in our adult lives. His Mother said something horrible to him about the recent weight gain he has had due to some medication, and of all places she wrote it on his Facebook wall. It was just horrible what she said. "What on Earth have you been eating to make you swell up like that?" Just really not nice things you wanna hear from your Mom of all people. And ever since then.....well our physical relationship has been nothing. I honestly think its been probably 6 months since Ive kissed my Husband. At least 3 since Ive hugged him.

I get these really neat ideas, especially when I drive home from work late at night. I think oh Im going to get home and just give him a big hug and maybe itll just lead to other things.....and I walk in the door and yep that idea aint gonna work.

In other news, Aria has been potty training really well. Im so super proud of her. :)

1 comment:

  1. So sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't know if you have considered counseling or would consider it but many couples have these struggles when dealing with complex medical issues. For you it seems like the medical stuff is more than just Alexandra. Nothing you have said makes you a horrible person, you are just sharing how you feel and you are entitled to your feelings. I can't help with your relationship issues but the sleep at night could be remedied by feeding Alexandra during the day. We feed Nathan during the day and it is time consuming but we get sleep. Sleep is very important, (especially to me, I need my sleep). Life is easier to deal with when you are rested. It's just something to think about. We feed him real food first, whatever he will eat and drink of his formula and then tube feed the rest. Best of luck.

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