Friday, May 25, 2012

Money, oh how I loathe thee

Im not sure why I seem to battle this depression over and over again. I have good days, I have bad days. Everyone has those. We are all human. But my bad days are bad. Today was one of them. Of course its payday. I get up this morning, and take a look at our bank statement online. I immediately go into panic attack mode. I mean, what I knew it was going be it ended up being. Maybe I was hoping Id be surprised. Im grateful for what I have. I am. I live in a nice house in a good neighborhood. I have a good job, and so does my Husband. But you know....we struggle, and I dont mean like oh I cant so shopping this week for a new outfit for myself or the girls....I mean, like "oh shit, we have to pay $1000 for the rent and we only have $1125 bucks in the bank". If I have a hard day, and dont really want to cook dinner, I cant even take the kids to McDonalds, just to give myself a little break. Cause theres nothing left. After the SRP and water, and gas, and food, and meds, there is nothing. We make too much for Food Stamps. (Thank you so much federal government, cause according to Yahoo! research a family of 4 living on less than 40,000 a year is considered poverty level, we make 32,000) Thank God my parents own this house. They let us have a break on the rent, A LOT. Too much more than I like it to be. I feel horribly guilty, cause my Mom is in so much pain with her legs, and her diabetes, and the fact that she had open heart surgery 5 months ago, that she has to work, cause if she didnt, they couldnt help us with the mortgage. Id be happy to go to work and let my Mom watch the girls, but she cant physically do it. Daycare is outrageous and unless I found a job making over 50,000 a year (I have no college degree, my parents couldnt pay for me to go to college, but still made too much for grants, so I ended up with student loans and after almost 2 years, I realized I could never pay them back, so I dropped out of school, my only work experience is retail sales, 13 years of selling fine jewelry, and we all know how much retail makes, NOTHING) we wouldnt be making any more money as we would be paying it out in daycare expenses. Im just sick and tired of living like this. I have tried over and over again to be happy with what I have. Its not like Im asking to be able to go out and shop all the time. I cant take the kids to a movie, not even a flippin matinee! I have to keep them at home and just try and entertain them as best I can.

I know Im kinda complaining. Sorry if I made anyone upset. Its been one hell of a hard day. I wanted so badly to buy Tide today at Walmart, cause lets be honest it really does get out stains better. But I didnt, I got the cheapy stuff. And it ruins the few good clothes the kids have. I keep trying to change it. I have thought about getting an overnight job at Walmart while Kevin is here asleep with the kids, but everyone says that may be too much for me. Its alot of work with the kids during the day, and they dont take naps anymore, and Alexandra is a alot of work. Getting her to eat, do things for herself, etc. Its hard. Everyone thinks it would be too much for me to work overnights at Walmart, work my 2 day a week job at Ultra and take care of the kids. Part of me wants to try it and if the extra money helps me feel better....it may balance the scale of my depression.

Who knows. I sure as hell dont. Guess Ill just keep putting one foot in front of the other.