Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Ive felt sorry for myself for a long time. Sorry because for some reason boys didnt like me in high school. And um I was really pretty, and really smart. So when I got into college (for the first time, back um like what, 15 years ago) boys liked me, so thats all I thought about. Some man to love me. So I dropped out, cause retail seemed good at the time, and all I wanted was some boy. Also because I honestly felt I really wouldnt make it past age 21. So I started to feel sorry for myself. Because I was meant for more than this, but I felt stuck. I was thrown out of my parents house, so I had bills to pay. Then God gave me Alexandra. It threw me WAY into left field. In those early years, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Being blessed with a child with CHD almost validated everything I thought God wanted for my life. Pain, suffering, loneliness, I honestly thought God had left me. Maybe for so long I was running away. There is so much anger in my heart. It still resides there. Somewhere along the road of my life, I forgot how to have fun. Cause all I could see was my imminent demise. But I put on a good show didnt I. I managed fine jewelry stores and made plenty of money. I was semi-powerful. Then I had no choice but to become a stay at home Mom so that my oldest had the best chance of survival. I lost the mask. I had to take that good hard look in the mirror. I spent the first 3 months of Alexandra's life holding her in my arms and crying. Begging God that if he had to take her to take me with her. Then I got pregnant with Aria. I was mortified. And so Ive spent the last 5 years in a state of total confusion and disarray. My mind is in chaos. And thats why I am struggling with my return to college. My mind is scattered in so many directions I cant see the path. Perhaps because I can now see how truly scattered I am, I can try and fit the pieces back together again. But I must learn that God doesnt want suffering in my life. That may be the hardest lesson to learn.