Thursday, January 17, 2013

Thoughts...

Its been awhile since I posted. Shit its been like 4 months.

I worry about Aria. I worry she is not emotionally growing. She cries constantly, she talks incessantly at home when others are trying to talk, and she gets upset when we ask her to be quiet. She has sucked her thumb into a state of the skin is raw and almost bleeding. I had to tape her thumbs up tonight with gauze and band aids to keep her from sucking them. I dont understand what is going on.

Sometimes I think back to those days when she was just a baby. So many times I had to leave her with my Mom or Dad, or Kevin because I had to take Alexandra to a doc appointment somewhere downtown. Did that affect her in someway that is now rearing its ugly head? Was I not attentive enough when she was a baby cause I was so worried about Alexandra?

Guilt. What an ugly ugly thing.

But I cant escape the things that haunt me. I run from them perpetually. Then they catch up to me. In these tiny moments when Im doing something so unrelated to them. Like hearing Alexandra say "I love you Mommy", my mind runs all the way back to when I wasnt sure if I would ever hear her say those words. Then I get afraid I will never hear them again.

Why do I never learn to let it go? I still try to control so much. Because I dont know what else to do.

I miss my Husband. I miss the intimacy we used to share. I dont know how to get that back. Perhaps that part of our relationship is over. I love him, I do. I know he loves me, and neither of us are going anywhere. But its approaching 2 years now. His condition is only getting worse. His hands are in very bad shape. He physically is just unable at this point. The neuralgia is too painful for him. We cant afford any other doctors or tests. So I guess its business as usual.

I try. I just get up each day and put one foot in front of the other. Its all I can do. I live for my girls. The 2 pieces of my heart. Alexandra and Aria, your Mommy just adores you. You will never know the depth of my love for you. Thank you Jesus for giving me the honor of being their Mommy.

Ok I cried a few tears. Now time for me to get on with my homework. Til next time...

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