Friday, March 22, 2013

Two Time College Dropout

Yeah, put it on my headstone, two time college dropout. Obviously I suck at higher education. And its not because I fail classes or anything. The first time I was boy crazy, and was making bank selling fine jewelry. Young, dumb, and excited. Now I have a kiddo with a very complex medical condition and stress to boot. With the ever changing landscape of her care and its constant necessity, I just couldn't do it. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So I withdrew, much to my dismay.

Kevin says I seem more alive since withdrawing from school. I have to laugh. Seriously? Was the stress of school and Alexandra's care making me that insane? Probably. I know I get emotional. I know I get a little off kilter. Honestly, I felt like I was dying. I could not breathe from the stress of it all.

I don't think I'm a failure. Failure only happens when you don't try. I cant help but be a little disappointed though.

I guess I'm learning that there are really things completely out of my control, and no matter how much I rail against them, they will occur because they are already set in motion. Giving up the control has been the most challenging part of this entire journey with Alexandra and congenital heart defects.

I hate CHD, I hate what it has done to my daughter, to my other daughter, to me, my Husband, our marriage, the list can go on and on. There will forever and always be a deep part of me that is just so angry that it could probably stop the world from turning. It is that powerful. Ive learned some beautiful things though. I've seen triumph in adversity. I have seen beauty in things I never thought had beauty in them. Ive felt unimaginable pain, but seen the love and care in that pain. Life is precious. Life is all we really have. Its not things, its not stuff, its one another. All we really have in this world to get by is each other.

My hearts broken, yeah it is. It broke the day they told me hers was broken. My dreams fell apart. My life fell apart. But I'm more knowledgeable and compassionate because of CHD. I have learned more than I could ever have learned in 20 years in a college classroom. And that is something you cannot buy, something the government cant subsidize, and something that makes me everything I am ~ human.

No comments:

Post a Comment