Lately I have felt like a puzzle. But the pieces are everywhere. I dont understand why 6 years into this journey I STILL struggle. I should totally be used to this by now, but I still get overwhelmed and freak out. I feel today like I could break in half. Like if I let myself I would have a nervous breakdown. Maybe I need to have one, but I cant. Who will manage all this?
I dont think I will ever truly stop struggling. That feeling inside my heart will never really dissapear. I just try and cover it up with memories, and laughter. But deep inside, that worry and heartbreak will always be there. I will always be grieving the life she could have had.
Dont get me wrong, I am so grateful she has come this far. She is surviving. But there will always be that thought in the back of my head that says "it could be her last moment". I try to live each day to the fullest, but lately it has been hard for me because of my physical state as of late. I have been really not feeling well lately.
My mind is full of so much information, I wish I had the ability to make it all better. But it takes time. I am not making any sense am I? See this is just how off my rocker I really am.
Know what I want to do? Run away. I want to put the girls in the car, go get their Daddy from work and the 4 of us just run. Just go somewhere and have fun. Stay in a hotel, and just play! Enjoy each other. But all that shit takes money, money we do not have. Hell for the past 2 weeks we have been living off credit cards. Eff it all.
Im stuck, and I always have been. Please God dont let my girls have to endure this like I have. Let them be free of the worry. Let them live without the constant hole in their heart. Even though one of them has only half a heart.