Thursday, November 21, 2013

Bad news, Good goes on.

Boston and Yale wasn't really good news. It was bad. Yeah, it was. Her heart is not in the shape that we were lead to believe from our local hospital. She did so great, she was such a trooper. So many tests, sedated MRI's, echos, EKG's, tons of pokes. She did amazing.

Yale was not comfortable with going forward with the liver transplant, they did not feel her heart could take it. Talk of fluid differentials, hemodynamic changes, and the function of her heart filled the air. So in the end they deemed her not a candidate for the transplant. It will have to be a heart/liver transplant. Could be a heart/lung/liver transplant. We won't know for sometime.

What I want to talk about is how life goes on. It does. It always does.

I can tell you I spend each and every day with a crack in my heart that can never heal. I have no expectations of anything. I expect the worst, so that I am pleasantly surprised by the good. But Im not sad. Im not depressed. I have fun, I laugh, A LOT. I find humor in each and every little thing, even when it feels like the walls are closing in on me. In the end, I know this is what my life is, and it is beautiful.

Its a life filled with much pain. It hurts. It is filled with head splitting stress. Anger that is so full of rage, you think you could blow up the world. But there is love, so much love. Its the love that endures. Its the love that lives forever. Its the smile on her face. Its the little giggle that comes from her room at 10pm when I am so tired but she wont go to sleep. Its the way she takes me to the edge of my sanity and then pulls me back to say "Come on Mommy, we have to do more".

So you see, life, it goes on. I put one foot in front of the other each day. And you know what? Some days I am going to go totally ape shit on people. Some days I am going to fall into the abyss of the overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders. That's just my life. I will not put on a false face and hide the pain that exists. Because what you fail to see is the joy and love that exists inside that pain. Without the pain, there is no joy, no happiness. I am pretty sure I experience joy and happiness on a level that most people do not. I do because I choose to feel that emptiness. I choose to look inside that darkness and smile, cause I know what awaits on that other side.

Alexandra is a force. A force of God. I don't know why He chose her to be this. She is the wind, and the rain, and the thunder, and the lightning. She is the flower that blooms in the spring sun. She is God's creation, in all its frightening beauty.

So life goes on, and we put one foot in front of the other, and we live to fight another day. The best is yet to come.