Life scares me. Yes, even me who screams and hollers at everything. Yes, even me who goes throughout life with both middle fingers in the air shouting "fuck you all!". Because life hurts. Because as humans we are hopelessly flawed. We live in an imperfect world. We are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world. When you really think about it, its a recipe for disaster.
I am scared to death I will outlive her. And there is a great possibility that I will. Do you understand that this feeling is with me every second of every day? It is always there, right behind whatever thought I am currently focusing on. It can steal joy. At times I allow it to. Because I get tired, and I can't hold in the thought from becoming the forefront in my mind. So I let the thought play for a little bit, I entertain it, and then I let it go and it gets put back in deeper in my mind. Then it always creeps its ugly little head to the front again.
I have tried and tried to stop it. I won't anymore. I let the emotions come when they need to, and then I move on. Because I have learned that pushing them down only makes them blow up even worse. Pushing them down makes it so I don't live. I refuse not to live. I will cry and laugh all at the same time.
The 4 of us crazies.Its beautiful when you really think about it. All the pain, the joy, the agony. It is what life is made of. If life was all happiness and rainbows how would we judge the really wonderful things in life? Utopia does not exist in this plane of existence. It can't.
My thirties have really become my maturity. I have learned that the emotions do not make me irrational, it makes me more rational than I ever imagined. Those emotions are what make me human. Those emotions are what makes up the soul that allows me to walk this world.
I create my world. I live in it. Its really beautiful. It is filled with smiles, laughter. But it also has darker elements. Pain, heartbreak, anger. Love. Such love that it could light a million light bulbs.
So today, let yourself feel what you need to. Just spend a moment realizing how fragile this life is, and acknowledge that you are scared, tired, worried, depressed, whatever you may be. Then go about your day. Live this life. Risk it all. I know you'll be glad you did.