Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Because I Just Don't Have The Ability To Anymore

I just don't have it anymore. I cannot play nice all the time anymore. I don't have the time for it.

I have lost every bit of patience I have. I am exhausted and the work is never done.

So let's talk about losing your ability to control what I like to call your "filter".

You know the  "filter" that helps you not be a complete and total bitch to everyone you see and meet?
Yep, that one.

Yesterday I called an insurance agent out by name like I was speaking to a child.
"No Beatrice, no, no you hear me, I am going to get my money, and it will be substantial, and if its not, I will obtain a lawyer".
When I have had to assert myself before in the past, afterwards I always had a tear fest, just from the emotional overload of it. It used to take a lot to get myself to that point, now it takes barely anything.
If anyone confronts me with any sort of conflict, or does not do something the way I see fit, I lose it. I become a monster. I become insatiable.

I have become jaded, narcissistic and well, a bitch. Because I had to. You spend so much time keeping a child alive who should be dead and tell me how you aren't. It hardens you. Right to the very core.

A fellow Heterotaxy Mom posted a blog today about just wanting to be "Mommy". She couldn't have put it better. I want to stop being - feeding therapist, doctor, nurse, night nurse, medical accountant, etc, just like this Heterotaxy Mom does. But we don't get to. Nope, it just doesn't happen for us.

I just do not have it anymore. I do not have the time or the energy. What I have left is for my children. For my daughter who spends every minute fighting for every breath. For my youngest who still doesn't understand why Mommy has to leave her behind and travel across the country to take care of her Sissy.

I feel ashamed and so angry at myself because I cannot be there for others. Because I find myself putting my own problems so much higher than others, and I think them trivial.

The tearful ending to my rants doesn't happen anymore. The anger comes and it just gets out and then gets stuffed back in. There is so softness to me anymore, I am rough. Rough like sandpaper.