What do you say to a 7 year old that says "I don't want to die"?
What do you say to a child who is growing into understanding what she has been through and what she will go through?
I have no idea. No clue whatsoever. All I could do was hold her to my heart and pray to the Lord that he would keep my baby with me.
I was at work last night, and received a text from my Husband "911, she is inconsolable, says she doesn't want to die". Thankfully the store had closed to I picked up the phone and called home.
"She is afraid to die, she says she can't do anything for herself, and her heart hurts, and she doesn't want to die". "Mommy, I love you." "Mommy will be home really soon."
It took everything I had not to completely break down while closing up the store. She has had a lot of questions lately. Difficult questions. Questions that neither my Husband or I are prepared to answer. All I can say is "You are going to be with me FOREVER". And while I say this my silent prayer to God is "Please please do not take her from me".
I know it all seems so dramatic. Kinda like a soap opera. But its our daily life. We fight for life every single day.
I had nightmares all night long. Myself yelling at nurses and doctors as my child struggled to live. The vision of Alexandra on the vent, myself sitting on the chair next to her, willing her to keep up the fight.
What's my greatest fear? That one day she won't want to fight anymore. That as she grows up and I have to discipline her and not give into her every whim she will think she has no more reason to live.
I don't know what the future holds. I do know who holds it, and I worry that He doesn't have the same plan for the future I do. But that's what faith is all about right? Knowing that no matter what, He has got you.
So for today, we live on. We live on until the day we don't anymore. She woke up this morning wanting to play ponies and laugh with her sister.
Her mind isn't on the fact that we leave for Boston in 2 days. Its on Rainbow Dash, and Applejack. She is excited to join Grandma and Grandpa for swimming this afternoon. This is our life in the Edges household. And while it can be a lot like a soap opera, its a damn good one.