Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Another Road

It's been over a week since I came home from MedX and I've been putting together thoughts as to how I can explain the experience. It is seriously hard to put into words.

Firstly - I have never tweeted so much in my life - and I loved it.

When you spend countless hours of time alone with your thoughts you tend to get this idea of loneliness. I mean - you still go to work, go to school - you do your thing. You continue to put one foot in front of the other cause well - that's life. But you wonder is there any reason for it all? Am I just spinning my wheels? What is it I really want from life? I could go on and on about the countless questions that have gone through my mind over the past 8 years.

8 years ago I gave birth to this little girl. And she was sick. Very sick. She was going to die without surgical intervention. My life took a turn for a different path. I lost all control I had over anything in my life - health, finances, a job, EVERYTHING. She changed everything. But I decided to put one foot in front of the other because her survival is tantamount to anything else in this world. So I put her through 5 heart surgeries, an abdominal surgery and countless other tests and procedures. Then at age 6 we discovered she needed a combined heart/liver transplant. I dug high and low across this country to find a facility that would help her. 3 evaluations later - and 3 No's. What do I do now? I have no more moves to make. I can't take anymore steps forward. 

Then last year I heard about this medical conference - Stanford Medicine X. I applied to be an ePatient and they chose me! I was so excited. But never did I realize the impact it would make on my life. Not until now.

I sat in this hall, this brightly colored hall around people I have never met before. It was like a rave for the practice of medicine. We started to talk to each other. We shared our experiences. We shared the stories that have changed our lives for the better or the good.

You know I've spent 8 years in what I like to consider hell. Stuck in a job I hate - because financially I had to. I did what I had to. 

For almost a year now I have put a job ~ a part time job ~ above everything else, including my children, my Husband, my degree, all above everything else. All because a game was being played for control. I won't stand for it any longer. My marriage almost ended. My youngest child was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD and ODD. All because I was so financially afraid to lose my job. I was a slave, and being told that I should feel lucky to be "put up with". 

MedX opened my eyes. It opened my eyes that there is a world out there that isn't about always about making some sales goal or becoming a robot for some large corporation. I could be respected and understood for my life experiences not for $$ signs next to my name. I was told by a person who has way more education than me that I was an amazing Mother and had a grasp of anatomy better than himself. He was a first year resident doctor. Unfortunately, none of this makes any money, but I will find something else that does. I just can't be forced to literally almost kill myself when there are things I need to do that ensure I finish my degree. 

I know this blog post is long, and its just all over the place but I think its a very good representation of where I am right now. I am lost. I keep getting attacks from every direction I look. I get one fire out, and another begins. This is what I have been doing for years, and its what I will keep doing, but I will be appreciated for what I bring to the table, not for my ability to bow to an entity and do what they desire when they desire it. 

I know I'm angry. I've never felt this way before in my life. I know anger, I've been dealing with various levels of anger for 8 years now. This is different. This is a anger of the realization of what I have done to my family, all for something that should mean nothing in the long run. 

I don't know what else is to come. I can't even tell you how I feel because I don't even have the mental ability to process it. 

I guess this is what happens when you burn the candle at both ends.

But now I know what my priorities are.
1) Alexandra's continued survival
2) Helping my Aria learn to navigate through a life that will always have her feeling as though she is  second in her Mother's sight
3) My Husband
4) My degree/Future Career
5) Part time job 

I won't continue to break little parts of myself apart over the need for control. 

Time to grow. Time to take another road. 

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