"I don't know how to reconcile my anger."
Those are the words that came to my mind while in the shower this morning.
Isn't it funny how the best ideas come while showering?
All morning I had this pit inside me.
Alexandra was refusing to drink, refusing to eat - I had to pack up everything for her to spend the night at my folks - because I have to work til past 1am.
I shook with anger. I was having a mini panic attack.
So when I finally began to get myself ready - I started reflecting on what drives me to this point - it happens often. Why do I get so angry?
I don't know how to reconcile my anger.
Even as I sit here I catch a side view of her belly - full of ascites from her liver - and I fume. If I was in one of those cartoons I'm sure you'd see smoke coming from my ears. Anger. It consumes. It destroys.
Yet I don't know how to control mine. I don't know how to resolve it. It just perpetually eats at me.
I hate everything.
It's mentally exhausting - the trying to hold it together.
How do you resolve anger? Pray? I've been doing that for years with no change.
I'm angry that I'll lose her. I'm angry she isn't doing as well as other kids like her. I'm down right pissed other kids with this condition are suffering and on the brink of the unthinkable. I'm so angry that some of these children have suffered the unthinkable and now their parents arms are empty.
I'm not Thankful. How can I be anything but angry over this life I live?
We're facing financial ruin - again. She has got to get to Boston again in January - I have no clue how I'm going to pay for it.
I work, I go to school - but I have nothing to show for any of it. I keep putting one foot in front of the other looking forward to the future but all I see is the never ending financial battle for survival.
We can't even pay the mortgage in full every month. Who knows how much longer we can keep this up?
So yeah I'm not very thankful. Call me names - call me negative, but I'm not thankful today.
Anger still rules my heart - even as hard as I try to see the positives in each day.
Anger. It's what's left of me.