Sunday, December 27, 2015

Every Christmas is Last Christmas

"Every Christmas is Last Christmas" ~ Doctor Who Christmas Special 2014

Tears, I heard that line and tears. A teacher of hers had mentioned how they wanted to make Christmas extra special for us because we never know if this will be the last Christmas we share with Alex. What a cold hard truth. And when I heard those hit me. Christmas night she cried, she didn't want to go to sleep because she didn't want Christmas to be over. Did she know something I didn't? Sometimes I think she does. Then I go to sleep and dream it was Last Christmas. I know it's totally stupid to believe in dreams but I think it gives insight into what is occurring in the bottom of my sub-conscious mind. It is insight into my soul, the entity that animates me and makes me who I am. And while I am many things, the one thing that has truly defined me as what I am is her ~ her existence in this world. What I do, and what I do best, is be her advocate. I manage her. I make sure she takes her meds, eats, drinks, I monitor her vitals. Even as I sit here typing this I turn around (for the umpteenth time this hour) to remind her to 'DRINK YOUR FLUIDS ALEX!". It has defined my days, my nights, my inner self. I do other things ~ I have a job, I sell diamonds ~ I go to school ~ I teach ~ but what I really do is do everything for her.

Because without that every single minute of every single day of my existence devoted to everything Alexandra Mae ~ I have nothing left. I gave it all to the continued survival of her, and nothing else matters.

What many people don't understand is that this fact of giving everything to this one calling is dangerous. I have isolated myself from my Husband, my other child, even isolated myself from myself.

My Husband and I exist as ships passing in the night ~ a hello and then a goodbye, with a few "oh yeah we gotta pay this bill or don't forget Aria's Christmas concert on Wednesday". We don't talk. We don't touch. We don't kiss. We are nothing but worker bees devoted to the grind of ensuring we can continue to travel to Boston to take care of her.

Am I mad that this has become our existence? Not really. Its all I've known now for 8 years. I got over that anger a long time ago.

But when the idea of "Last Christmas" comes to my mind, and the fact that should that come to pass, I will be left with nothing to continue on with ~ I worry for the survival of this family.

I worry for my Husbands mental health should we lose her. I worry for mine. I worry for the look on Aria's face as she sees her sister in the casket. I can visualize it. I can see and hear Aria cry out "Sissy! Wake up sissy!" Would I be able to be the Mother Aria needs me to be should we lose Alex?

I try to live in the moment, I do. But the moment is oftentimes tainted with the tears of tomorrow.

Alex and I leave in a week for Boston. Is this Christmas "Last Christmas"? Can I spend the next year with the sword of Damocles perched above this families head? Do I even have a choice?

Every Christmas is Last Christmas. Clara lost her love Danny Pink. Danny told her that each day she could give him 5 minutes to grieve, to mourn, to be sad, but that was all she can do. She has to give every other minute of each day to growth, happiness, and truth. Can I do that? Can I give myself 5 minutes each day to mourn the what ifs, the how comes, the whens? (did I just create a New Years Resolution for myself?) Can I live in the moment without those tears of tomorrow?

I don't know. I don't even know if I want to. Melancholy has always suited be better.

Every Christmas is Last Christmas.

Last Christmas.

"Do you know why people get together at Christmas? Because every time they do, it might be the last time. Every Christmas is Last Christmas"
~ Damn you Stephen Moffat, You always make me cry! ~

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