A while ago a great friend and fellow advocate for medically complex children described me as "one of the wholehearted".
It was a nice compliment. But I didn't really 'GET' it.
Then I realized - maybe the reason why I am always feeling so broken hearted is because I am in fact wholehearted.
Yeah - my head is spinning too.
When you live wholeheartedly - you live vulnerable. And when you live vulnerable - you open yourself to the emotions and trials of life. You feel them with such intensity that many people get down right scared.
I'm here to tell you - it's okay. It's okay to feel left out. To feel excluded.
Excluded because you choose to see beyond the persona of fakeness.
Excluded because you see life for what it really is - a gigantic cluster fuck of insanity that is so damn beautiful and so damn ugly it's nauseating and you wanna scream for joy and cry all at the same time - and when you feel that intensity - it scares people.
They don't know how to react. Just like people don't know how to react when I say "I will bury my daughter."
Sometimes I think they expect me to like bust out in tears and just fall on the ground with grief - and I do - behind closed doors - but I'm smiling when I say it. Why? Because today is not that day.
Today I watched her walk a quarter mile held up by her little sister. And it was glorious and fantastic. And heart breaking. Why? Because it was only a quarter mile. Because I had just pushed her in the stroller for over a mile and a half. But it was fantastic.
So my intensity is because of my wholeheartedness. My feelings of sadness, of depression - it's because I'm living vulnerable.
So when you see me smile - or when you see me cry - remember what this life is. Its glorious, beautiful and horrible. Horribly beautiful.
(Please please read "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown - she talks all about living wholeheartedly and vulnerably)