Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Comparison is the thief of Joy

I've been thinking about who I am.

Who I really am.

It's not the person I play on TV. (Or in social media)

And maybe I actually play it really real but I don't see it myself.

I try and play the nice game, the political game.

But deep down inside  - I really hate that shit.

I'm not going to tear myself apart to please someone. The person I should be trying to please is...... MYSELF.

If you don't like me for what I can give then that's fine - I don't want to be around someone who expects me to be someone other than who I am.

I need to see things for what they are. I need to see what I really want to do with my life and begin to see the reality of things.

I will never be a healthcare advocate, as my job. I'm just not politically inclined to be. I have too many other things I have to do because I have to live in this world. No one is going to pay me money to do this no matter how flipping wonderful I am, and there is just not enough time for me to make money to live, and be so into healthcare advocacy. There is only 24 hours in a day and I like to binge watch Netflix.

I am never going to travel the globe talking about my experience as the Mother of a medically complex child and a Cluster Headache patient. No one really cares - no one who's going to pay me for my story. I need money. I need to do what puts food on the table. I need to do what keeps a roof over my children's heads.

I think last week with the intense headache that caused me to lose my coherent speaking ability - I grew up. I saw what really mattered. Me. Oh and those two freeloaders (seriously Iove them - but lets call a spade a spade) and my Husband.

Call me selfish - whatever. But I can't tear myself up to change the world. All I can do is go about my daily duties and activities with the joy in my spirit and hope that it resonates with people.

By no means am I giving up advocacy. Not in the least. What this means is I am learning to stop comparing myself to those that are traveling the country, speaking, and spreading the healthcare love. They have different means than I do. And I can't keep hating the people around me because they don't provide that ability to me.

I have to stop hating my Husband because he doesn't make enough to support us without me working. It's not fair to him.

He goes to work everyday. Does the absolute best he has and then gives more.

I have to stop comparing. Comparison is the thief of joy they say. It's the truth.

I've got to be happy with who I am and what I have. It's not a whole lot, but it's good.

We laugh, we cry and we live. It's a life.

Now the dentist just shot me up with novicane and I'm getting this tooth pulled put of my mouth - cause I can't afford a root canal or continue to take the pain so let's get rid of the tooth.

Peace out peeps. Next time I write I'll be less one tooth in my mouth.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Ugly Cry

I lost it today in the IEP meeting.

I mean I literally ugly cried. Ugly cried with eyeliner and mascara dripping down my face onto my chest.

Ugly cried.

My Mother came by this morning to watch the kids so Kevin and I could go to the IEP meeting.
Aria mentioned it to my Mom that Kevin and I were going to take them to the San Diego zoo for an overnight trip.

My Mom immediately lit into me. Yelling at me that I have no right to take the kids anywhere because she helped us out with the mortgage payment back in the fall.

I was upset. So upset. The continued blaming on Kevin for reasons that really weren't his fault. The entire time we needed help with the mortgage wasn't because Kevin wasn't at work, it was because Alexandra's SSI was not getting properly given to us, and so we had no money to pay for groceries or the electric bill. Or the car payment. It was a difficult time. That was right when the ceiling (literally) fell in on us. (no really, the air conditioning leaked and the hallway bathroom ceiling caved in)

Kevin even cried in the IEP. Because we are so tired. So tired of trying so hard and not getting anywhere.

It was horrible. I've never lost that much control before in my life.

I have decided I will not be pursuing my Bachelor's degree starting in the Fall. I may revisit this come Christmas this year, but for now, I need to just get a full time job and figure out where we are going.

Someday I will be a teacher. (insert the current ugly cry I am doing right now)

It's time to separate my reliance on my Mother. I haven't stopped crying since this morning.

But now I am going to fix myself up and get Alex and take her to PT. Cause thats what I do.

I suck it up and go.