Sunday, June 12, 2016

This is Who I Am

I share too much.

Ok, I get that. And everyone is entitled to their opinion.

I sure as hell am free to express my own.

But what about the journey? What about the courage to own the story no matter the horrible, ugly truth of it?!?!?

I'm going to be honest, people - It's an ugly, nasty truth. It's the story of my life.

And I get that it can make people uncomfortable.

Not everyone can stand in the dark and know that somehow, someway, they will find a way to get out of that dark or that they may actually never get out of that dark but they can live a pretty good existence inside that dark.

But let me tell you my truth - There will be times I will stand in the dark, and there will be times when I am in the light.

But there will never be a 'cure' for this.


Because this is who I am. This is myself.

I've been blessed to live an extraordinary life - and it is far, and I mean really flipping really far far far from pretty.

I intermittently write this as I whip baby food and formula together for her night feeds. (I give baby food to an almost 9 year old)

I'm writing this as I put together her nightly meds and try and remind myself I have got to take her INR tomorrow.

I'm about to - with my Husbands assistance - strap her into a device that looks like some sort of torture.

I can't - actually I will not - be pink rosy glasses everything is hunky dory. It is completely out of my nature and I am so tired of attempting to be something I am not.

I will never be happy. It's an impossibility for me. It does not exist in my emotional vernacular.

Doesn't mean I'll be gloomy goth all the time either.

What it means is - I will be me.

Sometimes I will be the "Hi my name is Danielle and my favorite color is florescent clear" - and sometimes I will be the "I've given up, I can do no more, everything sucks Danielle".

I'm okay with that.

But people you've gotta be okay with that too.

I know you want what's best for me. I get that. But you can spend the rest of your life wishing and hoping for that - but I can tell you it's a super long shot.

I mean like you'd probably win the lottery over that.

I haven't given up hope. Far from it.

I'm just becoming more comfortable in who I am.

This is me. This is who I am.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Depression and the Inability to Relax

I cannot allow myself to relax.

It's become an increasingly difficult issue.

I'm exhausted.

If I relax - I mean even for a minute - I am bombarded by intense emotions that I can't control.

This happens even when I'm at work. If I don't have a customer or some sort of 'busy work' directly in front of me I fall into an abyss of darkness.

Yesterday afternoon - after my chiropractor appointment - I felt a Cluster Headache coming on. But instead of attempting to take care of myself - I chose to entertain my girls by taking them to Grandpa and Grandma's house to go swimming.

When I got home I chose to check the mail. I had recently sent in some paycheck stubs to Alexandra's SSI to make sure our payments were correct and I was hoping to get a letter stating that all was situated. Instead I got a letter saying she would recieve no money for the month of July.

And then she hit. Like a complete ton of bricks she hit me like a train. I started screaming. I yelled obscenities. This bitCH cluster headaches.

I begged Kevin to let me go to a mental institution.

She came as quickly as she went. I turned into a puddle of tears. And I haven't stopped crying since. This bitCH cluster headaches.

I am in a deep depression.

I cannot see the forest for the trees.

My insides are like a jumbled mess of insanity with no real direction of how to move. Without the constant input of things to do, I am falling into a sea of dread.

I can't keep my head above water.

My house is such a mess that I can't figure out where to begin to clean it. The laundry pile is so big I just give up.

I have given up.

I work so hard to try and make more money for this household.

I can't relax. I can't do anything that allows me to be alone with my thoughts.

I can't do anything. I can't even eat.

I have forgotten to take Alexandra's INR for a month now. I have forgotten meds.

I have forgotten how to shower. Myself or the kids.

I have given up.

I can't see anything. My Mother tells me the trials will never be over. I have nothing left to battle those trials anymore.

My chin hair as well as my upper lip hair is going to be a beard soon. Who cares? I have given up because I can't figure out the next way to move. I can't move. I can't do anything.

I need to see a therapist but that costs money - which I don't have.

We can barely afford the meds for myself and Kevin who also has some new medical conditions.

This is what the constant struggle to survive has done.

I am angry I am so angry. I am so mad because there are people out there so stuck on themselves who have a connection to this family and could've made things easier but they chose to piss away millions of dollars. In the span of 7 years. The selfishness astounds me.

I'm going to keep trying. But I am severely struggling. I am completely raw and very angry.

Very angry. I am so mad. I have never before felt the fester of anger and resentment like this.

I have never sat in this abyss of depression and looked at the destruction around me and not been able to do something about it.

I don't know what to do.

The abyss draws you in. It is almost a comforting feeling of nothingness.

That's all I can say for today.