I cannot allow myself to relax.
It's become an increasingly difficult issue.
If I relax - I mean even for a minute - I am bombarded by intense emotions that I can't control.
This happens even when I'm at work. If I don't have a customer or some sort of 'busy work' directly in front of me I fall into an abyss of darkness.
Yesterday afternoon - after my chiropractor appointment - I felt a Cluster Headache coming on. But instead of attempting to take care of myself - I chose to entertain my girls by taking them to Grandpa and Grandma's house to go swimming.
When I got home I chose to check the mail. I had recently sent in some paycheck stubs to Alexandra's SSI to make sure our payments were correct and I was hoping to get a letter stating that all was situated. Instead I got a letter saying she would recieve no money for the month of July.
And then she hit. Like a complete ton of bricks she hit me like a train. I started screaming. I yelled obscenities. This bitCH cluster headaches.
I begged Kevin to let me go to a mental institution.
She came as quickly as she went. I turned into a puddle of tears. And I haven't stopped crying since. This bitCH cluster headaches.
I am in a deep depression.
I cannot see the forest for the trees.
My insides are like a jumbled mess of insanity with no real direction of how to move. Without the constant input of things to do, I am falling into a sea of dread.
I can't keep my head above water.
My house is such a mess that I can't figure out where to begin to clean it. The laundry pile is so big I just give up.
I have given up.
I work so hard to try and make more money for this household.
I can't relax. I can't do anything that allows me to be alone with my thoughts.
I can't do anything. I can't even eat.
I have forgotten to take Alexandra's INR for a month now. I have forgotten meds.
I have forgotten how to shower. Myself or the kids.
I have given up.
I can't see anything. My Mother tells me the trials will never be over. I have nothing left to battle those trials anymore.
My chin hair as well as my upper lip hair is going to be a beard soon. Who cares? I have given up because I can't figure out the next way to move. I can't move. I can't do anything.
I need to see a therapist but that costs money - which I don't have.
We can barely afford the meds for myself and Kevin who also has some new medical conditions.
This is what the constant struggle to survive has done.
I am angry I am so angry. I am so mad because there are people out there so stuck on themselves who have a connection to this family and could've made things easier but they chose to piss away millions of dollars. In the span of 7 years. The selfishness astounds me.
I'm going to keep trying. But I am severely struggling. I am completely raw and very angry.
Very angry. I am so mad. I have never before felt the fester of anger and resentment like this.
I have never sat in this abyss of depression and looked at the destruction around me and not been able to do something about it.
I don't know what to do.
The abyss draws you in. It is almost a comforting feeling of nothingness.
That's all I can say for today.