Sunday, June 12, 2016

This is Who I Am

I share too much.

Ok, I get that. And everyone is entitled to their opinion.

I sure as hell am free to express my own.

But what about the journey? What about the courage to own the story no matter the horrible, ugly truth of it?!?!?

I'm going to be honest, people - It's an ugly, nasty truth. It's the story of my life.

And I get that it can make people uncomfortable.

Not everyone can stand in the dark and know that somehow, someway, they will find a way to get out of that dark or that they may actually never get out of that dark but they can live a pretty good existence inside that dark.

But let me tell you my truth - There will be times I will stand in the dark, and there will be times when I am in the light.

But there will never be a 'cure' for this.

Why?

Because this is who I am. This is myself.

I've been blessed to live an extraordinary life - and it is far, and I mean really flipping really far far far from pretty.

I intermittently write this as I whip baby food and formula together for her night feeds. (I give baby food to an almost 9 year old)

I'm writing this as I put together her nightly meds and try and remind myself I have got to take her INR tomorrow.

I'm about to - with my Husbands assistance - strap her into a device that looks like some sort of torture.

I can't - actually I will not - be pink rosy glasses everything is hunky dory. It is completely out of my nature and I am so tired of attempting to be something I am not.

I will never be happy. It's an impossibility for me. It does not exist in my emotional vernacular.

Doesn't mean I'll be gloomy goth all the time either.

What it means is - I will be me.

Sometimes I will be the "Hi my name is Danielle and my favorite color is florescent clear" - and sometimes I will be the "I've given up, I can do no more, everything sucks Danielle".

I'm okay with that.

But people you've gotta be okay with that too.

I know you want what's best for me. I get that. But you can spend the rest of your life wishing and hoping for that - but I can tell you it's a super long shot.

I mean like you'd probably win the lottery over that.

I haven't given up hope. Far from it.

I'm just becoming more comfortable in who I am.

This is me. This is who I am.

1 comment:

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