I woke up feeling fine this morning. Not overly stressed, or worried - just ready to enjoy a day with my girls. I didn't think it would turn into a situation like it did.
I had a panic attack in the Halloween aisle at Walmart. Full out blood pressure through the roof, sweating, hyperventilating, panic attack.
At its onset I couldn't figure out what had triggered it - but once I was past it I realized what it was.
I had walked by the baking aisle before going down the Halloween section and had thought about making a cake - I've been wanting to do some fun baking stuff with my girls - and then as I picked up the box of cake mix, I just said out loud "No" - then inside my head the litany of 'stuff' requiring my attention began to fly through my mind - you've got a paper to write due at 9:59pm tonight - You've got to go to work tomorrow and Tuesday and Wednesday is PT and 2 Parent Teacher Conferences - the laundry needs done - you better get the girls showered fast after dinner so you can work on the paper - You need to do your MedX podcast - Then you've gotta work the rest of the week - and also Saturday and Sunday - Oh and you need to change her GTube out....
My brain went so lightning fast that it had gotten itself a week ahead of itself and it's necessary duties.
And then the hyperventilating, crushing anxiety hit. It's like running a mile, but not even having taken one step.
I don't know why this happens. It has no rhyme or timeline - it just happens when it wants to.
But what spurred it was the baking. What my heart wanted was to be with my girls. But my brain couldn't see past the ever growing to do list.
I often wonder how I can change what seems like an unchanging landscape of trial after trial - insane moment to insane moment.
Is this really what life is supposed to look like? Maybe not for all - but I'm beginning to think it does for me.
Messy. Destructive. Beautiful.
Perhaps the panic attacks are just par for the course.
Perhaps this is just what life has in store.
I just really want to be with my girls.
So much it induced a panic attack in me.
If I say I'm fine - I'm not lying. It's a half-truth. I put on a great show. I'm fine most moments, until my head and heart become enemies of one another.
Duality. Perhaps that's what can best describe my life. Duality.
The Mother who works, goes to school, advocates - yet there is this inner person who is clawing at the edges of a deep pit of worry and anxiety.
Whatever it is I am - I just want it to be with my girls at my side.